The END zone- NFL Week 1 Preview

September 7, 2016

Football is BACK!  Our long sad summer of baseball (boring) and the Summer Olympics (boring-er) is finally over, and it couldn't come a moment too soon.

Gone are the days of trying to figure out how can Taijuan Walker look so good and so bad at the same time and here are the days of trying to determine exactly how fast a linebacker has to hit a slot reciever to make their heads literally pop off.  Hell yeah, that's beast!

Let's take a look at this week's match-ups! 

Carolina vs Denver:A rematch of Super Bowl 50, a game where both teams combined to go 4-29 on third downs! NFL action...FEEL THE EXCITEMENT!! The Broncos will be starting Trevor Siemian this year and all anyone really knows about him is that he is better than Mark Sanchez. Your auntie is probably better than Mark Sanchez though, so lets not get too excited.  

Pick: Carolina

Oakland vs New Orleans: Are the Raiders moving or what?  I mean, they could probably relocate anywhere no problem, because every city in America has enough Raider fans already there to support the team. Thank a lot for that, Ice Cube. I personally hope they go to Las Vegas so we can preview their games by point spread and over/under how many arrests there will be during the game. There's drunk, and there's Las Vegas drunk.  Las Vegas drunk + NFL fans = real life Terrordome! THIS HAS TO HAPPEN.

Pick: New Orleans

Tampa Bay vs Atlanta: I can never take Tampa Bay seriously because their jerseys look like something my nine-year-old nephew would design on Madden 17.  

Pick: Atlanta

Green Bay vs Jacksonville: The Packers made news this week when they released their All-Pro guard Josh Sitton and pissed off the entire team. That's a great way to start the season...what could be a Super Bowl season...and a curious move when you consider all they really need to do to win the NFC North is keep Aaron Rodgers upright. 

Pick: Jacksonville

Minnesota vs Tennessee: Speaking of keeping QBs upright... sad news for the Vikings as Teddy Bridgewater's leg fell off during a practice and he was lost for the season.  I hate those gruesome injury videos that make their way around the internets, but if his was so bad that teammates started barfing, I kiiiiiiinda wanna see it.  That's awful to say, but don't lie, at least 75 percent of you thought the exact same thing when you heard the news. To make matters worse, they traded for Sam Bradford, and all anyone really knows about him is that he is better than Mark Sanchez....

Pick: Tennessee

Cleveland vs Philadelphia: Did you know that some mad scientist developed coffee that will keep you up for 18 hours, if it doesn't kill you?  It's true, and that sounds horrible. I would rather drink it than watch this game though.

Pick: Philadelphia

Chicago vs Houston: To celebrate the new season, The NFL introduced the official team hash tags for the 2016 seaon yesterday, because of course if something happened and it wasn't hash tagged #did #it #really #happen #at #all?  Some of these are cool or at least make sense (#GoPackGo), others simply state the obvious (#WeAreTexans. Yes, clearly), and then there are the truly terrible, (#FeedDaBears.) The only thing worse than Chicago's hash tag is their quarterback.  Heyooo!  

Pick: #WeAreTexans

San Diego vs Kansas City: Starter jackets are apparently cool again, which is awesome.  I remember one year for Christmas/my birthday I begged my mom for one. Pleaded. Did chores. All of the things.  Anyway, the only thing worse than not getting a Starter jacket for Christmas in 1992, was getting a knock off my case, a Michigan coat from Apex 1.  Goddam I hated that coat.

Pick: Kansas City

Buffalo vs Baltimore:  My godson is named Raven and when I was told that this was going to happen, I made sure to talk to my brother about never allowing him to actually like The Ravens.  Before I go to bed every night I pray that I'll never see an Instagram post of him with a dang Baltimore logo tattooed somewhere on his body.

Pick: Buffalo

Cincinnati vs NY Jets: Are the Jets going to be good this year? I think the Jets might be good this year. Really like the Matt Forte acquisition <Jets win 6 games this year> Matt Forte sucks! 

Pick: NY Jets

Miami vs Seattle: A lot of athletes don't have sex the night before games for some dumb reason.  I bet Russell Wilson is going in the complete opposite direction.  Afterall, he's making up for lost time! If he shows up to a game looking tired and know why.  

Pick: Seattle

NY Giants vs Dallas: Here is how 2016 is going to go for the Cowboys - They start hot, Ezekiel Elliot runs for 1200 yds in the first 4 games of the season....then get suspended for a failed drug test. Tailspin ensues until out of the shadows Tony Romo shows up!  He miraculously rights the ship until Elliot returns. They go on a late-season tear!  Big D is back babay!  Super Bowl contenders for sure....until Romo spontaneously combusts while trying to run out of bounds two yards short of a first down on 4th and 8 in the first round of the playoffs. Season ends in heartbreak. Write that down.

Pick: Cowboys

Detroit vs Indianapolis: This is the year we finally decide if Andrew Luck is a good QB or merely a Civil War enthusiast. A very, VERY rich one.

Pick: Colts

New England vs Arizona: 28 years ago, Tom Brady and the New England Patriots were caught cheating for the 17th time.  He was subsequently suspended four games.  He misses his first one this week. ABOUT TIME.

Pick: Arizona

Pittsburgh vs Washington: The Redskins are going to be so boring this year now that RGIII is throwing incompletions in another uniform.

Pick: Pittsburgh

Los Angeles vs San Francisco:  Every year I watch Hard Knocks and by the end of the season I convince myself that the team featured will actually be good this year.  Not this time though!  The Rams stink. Not as bad as the Niners though.  

Pick: Rams

The Matt Saracen All-Star Team

Every week we will reward a player who channelled their inner QB1 and had the best fantasy football week.  This week we will honor a player who should be the #1 fantasy player this year, but will sadly suffer a season ending injury within the first three weeks of the season because he was my #1 pick.  Steeler fans, Antonio Brown, I'm preemptively sorry. 

Suicide Squad Pick of the Week-

Knock out/Suicide pools are becoming quite popular these days, so each week I'll share with you my pick for the week....that will inevitably lose on a last second FG EVERY WEEK. 

Pick THE SEAHAWKS in your suicide pool and sing this song after they win!