Alternative Election: Beating up an alien or a Russian gets you a path to the presidency

October 25, 2016
Categories: 

SUPPORTED BY HERITAGE DISTILLING COMPANY:

- - - - - -

Four weeks of voting in the Alternative Election doesn't seem like a whole lot when we have been dealing with the slog of the real life election for over a year now. Fortunately, it's almost over (in both cases). 

Cast your vote in the final round of the Alternative Election

It's down to only two more candidates vying for the final spot in the Alternative Election, and here's what we're working with:

President Thoms J. Whitmore (Independence Day)
Political Party: 
The "Kicking Alien Ass" Party (we literally have NO CLUE what his stances are on any political issues other than this)

Case for President: President Whitmore made it through a pretty easy gauntlet to get to the final round of voting, defeating Mackenzie Allen of a one-season TV show, Pédro from Napoleon Dynamite, but I was surprised when he narrowly defeated the candidate I thought could take it all, Jed Bartlet of The West Wing. 

Whitmore stands for world peace, global unity, blowing stuff up and killing aliens, but mostly blowing stuff up. As president, he (kind of) participated in an Earth defense against an alien invasion and gave a dope speech and was voted "Sexiest Man Alive" in an Orange County newspaper. His opponent has given a stern talking to a few Russians and has committed acts of heroism, but Whitmore gave his life defending the planet. He could be president of the entire Earth. 

Case against: Pretty much this entire article. Also, Will Smith voted for the other guy. 

VOTE WHITMORE

- - - - - -

President James Marshall (Air Force One)
Political Party: 
The "Probably Republican" party (again, it wasn't very specific in the movie, but he has a strong "we don't negotiate with terrorists" stance and is Vietnam War vet, so that's our guess.

Case for President: He's a Medal of Honor recipient who fights Russians as the sitting president.  Plenty of presidents say the whole "war on terror thing" but rarely do their knuckles actually come flesh-to-flesh with terrorist noses. Harrison Ford's James Marshall does exactly that. Also, when delivering a speech to a bunch of non-terrorist Russians, he goes off cue and basically threatens a bunch of dignitaries in the room. We have to admit that takes some guts. 

Apart from all of his heroic actions and bravery showed in saving his family, the thing President Marshall has going for him most  is the cool factor. He kicked bad-guy Gary Oldman off the airplane and said "GET OFF MY PLANE!" as if he needed to say anything at all. Gary Oldman played Lee Harvey Oswald (JFK's killer) in a movie in 1991. President Marshall broke the neck of, and kicked the guy who killed JFK off of the literal Air Force One! Justice. It's moments like this that most of us would try to think of something cool and probably sputter out "HOLY CRAP THIS PLANE HAS NO PILOT AND WE ARE ALL FIGHTING IN THE CARGO HOLD ALSO THAT GUY JUST DIED PROBABLY HOLY CRAP IS THAT THE GUY THAT KILLED JFK?!"

Case against: Where Obama is like, "President with swagger" cool, Marshall is like "old angry man we shouldn't mess with" angry, which is cool when you need it, but mostly like what I think a John McCain presidency would have been like. Also, he has to use a fax to send messages from Air Force One. Nobody gets a pass for faxing. Not even your 90s movies.

VOTE MARSHALL

The End’s Alternative Election is in no way a substitute for voting in the real elections. Duh! So be sure to take full advantage of your right to vote in this year’s elections and have your voice heard. Register today! The End’s Alternative Election is supported by Heritage Distilling Company.

Cast your vote in the final round of the Alternative Election

Follow The End
Follow Branden