Eastern Washington is threatening to "secede" from the state

December 8, 2016

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You know, I feel for all you people in Eastern Washington. When outsiders talk about our shared state, they think about Seattle, not Spokane. When voting for president, us sneaky Seattleites show up and tip the state blue every time despite our legislature being split right down the middle. 

Today we are talking about you, Eastern Washington. I know we have our differences, but do you really have to leave?

Leave? Well in case you missed it a couple representatives from Eastern Washington submitted a proposal, House Joint Memorial 4000 (read all the jargon here), that would create a new state out of everything east of the cascades, a state they would call 'Liberty.'

Maybe I was a bit hasty earlier...

We all have family that we put up with at Thanksgiving. We're your hipster, wimp of a nephew whose liberal education has softened us, you're our Trump-loving uncle who we choose not to fight with this year because our mom told us to leave it alone. We can make it work as long as there are miles of mountains and crop land between us.

In your new state of Liberty, what exactly would you be liberated from, Representative Matt Shea and Representative Bob McCaslin of Spokane?

The Puget Sound: Finally free of the clutches of the mighty oppressive Puget Sound, Eastern Washington will now be free from evil orca whales with heavy-handed economic policies that unfairly benefit Seattle urbanites and their business!

Earthquakes: We're all scared, but you already don't really have to worry about those! We don't get rid of you just because you happen to also have Walla Walla. Both of these things are terrible, but we put up with each other's faults (get it?) because we love each other, right?

Mount Rainier: HA! You actually thought we'd let you keep that? Sorry, we get the whole thing. Once it erupts, though, all yours. 

Amazon: Ok, I actually get that one.

It's our job as Western Washingtonians to not let you go easy. Our passive aggressiveness be damned, we need you to keep us balanced and you need us because we have ports and stuff.

So what do you say?

Friends?

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