Flying While Tall

It's like revenge for everyone I ever stood in front of at a concert!

April 14, 2016
Too tall to stand on the plane

by Gregr


Next time you are at a concert grumble mumbling at someone like me for casting a stage-lit shadow on you as you struggle to see what’s happening up front, just remember that I didn’t  choose this height.

Like any other kid, it made me uncomfortable being different, my whole family saying “no, it’s a good thing you’re tall, that’s cool.” IT’S NOT COOL! As an adult, I get what they were talking about it, but at the time i felt hella weird, too.

At 6’5”, I’m like the yodeling mountain climber from the Price is Right and I’ve stopped at the tip top without falling to my death. Hooray! You see, being 6’6” or taller means shopping at the big and tall is the only way to go. No concert shirt will ever fit. Regular shorts are hipster-y short shorts. You get it. I’m just below that cutoff. PHEW.

When you’re angry at someone like me, know your sweet revenge comes when I'm on an airplane with my legs folded like a grasshopper wearing jeans. I’m grumpy, wishing my stupid bag didn’t have to go under the seat in front me as I board looking for any small space I can stuff it into overhead.

The worst parts of Flying While Tall:

Legroom (duh)
I’m like uncooked spaghetti noodles that you try to bend into submergence without breaking - only replace noodles with human bones and the pot with an airplane seat. Oh what’s that? You like to get a window seat so you can nap? I’ll just buy two seats so I can try that out… Middle seat? Lol. Oh, and that tray table - it effectively rests on my knee caps which are likely already dug into the seat in front of me because the 5’3” in row 11 is small enough to take advantage of the reclining seat function.

As previously mentioned there really isn’t a way to get a window seat on a flight over 41 minutes long without crazy leg cramps. My fianceé can always find her way back to our row when flying because my head sticks up higher than everyone else. That also means that there’s no tilting the head back into snore mode with support – I look like a post-accident crash dummy.

Side thought: someone needs to invent a neck support that actually keeps your head stable for airplanes. Many have tried, none have succeeded.

Lavatory Tampering
Please take a moment for a good chuckle knowing that I’m required to flex like a bendy straw in order to properly fit into a lavatory with its headspace pyramid-ing like a room at the Luxor in Las Vegas, contorting my body to an angle where it normally wouldn’t bend. Also know that at those times, I feel worse for anyone who has to sit to pee because those seats are the grossest and I’ll never not believe that airplane bathrooms with suck your guts out, dropping them (after freezing) upon some bison in the middle of Wyoming.

A side note to passengers on a Southwest Airlines flight - the beauty of freedom of seat choice on SWA means that the waddling human sack of crap that measures in at 5’3”, gets to sit in the exit row with six extra inches of legroom FOR NOTHING. That is your right, but much like the concert you’re mad at me standing up front for, I secretly hope yours is the one ejection seat on the aircraft and that the pilot chooses to deploy it on that flight*... and so does every other woman or man over 6’.

Too tall to pee
by Gregr

Finally, I get it. I’m complaining about being tall while I jet set around the country spending my extra money seeing weird stuff and people and that it’s a luxury. I hope everyone gets a chance to go somewhere via jet plane and you get to see something different than our beautiful little sliver of the planet here in Seattle.

*with parachute, no one needs to die here.