Prepare To Melt: Five Ways To Battle This Week's Heat in Seattle

Seattle isn't ready for heat of this magnitude.

July 31, 2017

So it's gonna be a million degrees this week in the greater Puget Sound region. Here are five steps for staying cool.

1. Get some awesome sunglasses, maybe something that's uncomfortably patriotic? Sure this won't do anything for your comfort, but forget feeling cool when being cool only costs $16.99 at a cool person clothing store. I've seen a lot of dummies wearing SUPER flat reflective sunglasses. Yeah, those'll look real awesome in your FB "on this day" like 10 seconds from now, not.

2. Fans. You're gonna need at least forty-one fans to evenly distribute hot air around your room so you can pretend like they're actually cooling you down. I mean, you're deaf now, but at least... well, dammit.

how an oscillating fan works

3. Leave. Bye!

4. Complain about it. Sure, it won't actually do anything but when you spread the suffering around, everyone gets an equal opportunity to be miserable and there's nothing more Seattle than that!

5. Actual things you can do:

  • Take your doggo to Magnusson Park for a dip in Lake Washington - you'll enjoy car AC, fart-monster gets to swim.
  • Go to a movie. Find a bar with AC - don't worry, they'll let you know with signs everywhere.
  • Go to the dojo.
  • Buy an AC unit for your window - sure you'll never sleep again because it's the second loudest appliance behind only my dishwasher that doesn't work.

Look, I go to bed at 8:00 p.m. every night. It's the exact time when my apartment is insufferably hot and melting humans into goo is at its premium. Please remember, though, you may be covered in back/chest/naughty-zone hair, your pets have it even worse than you and they'll suffer more quickly and complain less. Be cool.

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