So You’re Gonna Play Pokemon Go…

You idiot.

July 12, 2016
Drowzee ATTACK!!

by Gregr

Categories: 

Why on earth at this point would you willingly hand yourself over to the evils of the battery drain and neck strain that is Pokémon Go?! That reminds me, I need to see if anyone used a lure on the Pokéstop outside of work…

Heygregr on Pokemon Go!

Pokémon Go is blowing minds in every aspect of the digital world. It already has more daily active users than Twitter, twice the number of people were swiping pokeballs than on babes on Tinder, and Nintendo’s stock grew by a gabillion dollars. All to bring a cartoon and card game of the early 2000’s to life in 2016.

It’s been quite the week. This augmented reality game is terrible for humanity. I mean, just look at all those people who otherwise would stay INSIDE and play video games. They’re outside wandering around getting exercise. Like a bunch of jerks they’ve gone to the park to collect Pokémon on a beautiful summer day - PARKS ARE MEANT TO BE EMPTY.

How to Pokémon Go
There are plenty of people telling you the “eleventy-billion tips to get started at Pokémon Go”, but it’s way easier than all that. Let me help.

  1. Cancel your appointments for the next few days and call in to work bc you’re about to start a digital addiction.
  2. Go to the park.
  3. Walk on the edge of the sidewalk to get there, not in the middle, bc inevitably some runner is going to get mad when you suddenly stop to catch a Zubat in the middle of everything.
  4. Bring a 50,000 ft extension cord so you don’t run out of power.
  5. Apply for unemployment before you start playing.

Don’t be dumb
Don’t be a stupid idiot and get robbed, you idiot. Maybe you can sleep at 3a instead of standing with a $700 smartphone in some location where homeless people pass out. Soon enough we’ll find a legit story about some dingus that crashes a car from playing Pokémon while driving through the U District and that’s going to suck, so how about we don’t play video games and drive?!

Grumps
You’re gonna run into some grumps when playing. Common things grumps say about Pokémon Go: “I’m not playing a game for 10-year-olds” or “I actually have shit to do.”  That’s like saying I won’t go running bc that’s what 10-year-olds do at recess and I’m too busy. Too busy doing what? Telling people on the internet that you don’t like Pokemon? Excellent contribution!

The Park
This is easily the funniest part of the whole thing - everywhere you look - pokezombies lurk slowly around you, headed towards a lure’d Pokestop to rake in the hordes of Pidgey, Weedle, and so many f****** Zubats!! They’ll slurm around the park without talking or bothering you. You’ll be able to tell when the Pokémon Go servers crash because suddenly the walking dead’s heads will pop up and notice they are indeed outdoors in an unusual environment… I’ve gotta remember to wear sunglasses next time...

Meet Up With Me! (CANCELLED)
Sorry to break your little Pokemon hearts, but the meet up we had planned for Sunday has been cancelled for reasons  beyond my control. If you're around Capitol Hill this weekend, tweet at me @heygregr! Also, while you're running around having fun in the sun, stop by our Ice Cream Social and let Manely serve you some $1.77 scoops of The Chocolate to End All Chocolates!

Chowder may get extra yet slow walks out of Pokemon Go, but she still doesn't care for my antics.

Chowder gets extra walks