The END Zone: NFL Week 11 Picks

November 17, 2016
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Bill Simmons, the poster child for everyone that hates Bahston sports teams, tried throwing shade at TV analyst Chris Collinsworth. Unfortunately for Simmons, Collinsworth was there to ether him to death.

It was the first thing that's brought me joy since the election. The PERFECT response. Nothing better than a good twitter burn. Especially against someone who used to be great until they bought a ticket to their own show. Especially against someone who tries attacking you for doing a job they can't do. This happens a lot at the radio station. Usually, it doesn't bother me, I totally get the fact that you don't like every song we play and its cool to vent a little bit about it. But I've changed.  From now on I'm not taking any shorts. There will be no shelter here!

If someone is being a jerk online, I think you have every right to call them on it. And if you can do that in a way to be both hilarious and savage, I say go for it!  We should all be Cris Collinsworths.....or something like that. 

Anyway, here are my NFL Week 11 picks:

New Orleans vs. Carolina:  I hope Cam Newton dabs forever.  In fact, I hope more athletes start celebrating TDs with outdated dance moves. It would be AMAZING! If Doug Baldwin scores this week and celebrates with a do-si-do (maybe the best link I've ever embedded btw. click it.) this week I will buy 100 of his jerseys (I will not by any).

Pick- Carolina

Tampa Bay vs. Kansas City: Did you know that the Chiefs have had a 5+ game winning streak every year since 2013?  Do you know how many playoff games they've won during this run? 1. Andy Reid, ladies and gentlemen.  He will lead you to water but never let you drink. THAT'S A HORSE JOKE, YOU GUYS!

Pick- Kansas City

Jacksonville vs. Detroit: I feel kind of bad for teams like the Lions (not really), who are in first place of trash divisions. They get no respect.  

Pick- Detroit

Chicago vs. NY Giants: How come whenever you have an awkward conversation with a random coworker you end up seeing them 60x a day for the rest of the week after?  I bet Jay Cutler's teammates are nodding in approval as they read this (none of his teammates are reading this.) 

Pick- Giants

Arizona vs. Minnesota: 'Member when the Vikings were undefeated? 'Member when they looked like a legit NFC contender? 'Member when Arizona did too? YOU 'MEMBER!

Pick- Vikings

Baltimore vs. Dallas: Speaking of getting way ahead of ourselves when it comes to crowning teams....I saw an article earlier this week that spoke about Dak Prescott already being an all-time great QB. Stop it. Sure, he is having an amazing, record-setting rookie year and deserves high marks for sure.  But to put him on the level of Joe Montana, Dan Marino, heck even Russell Wilson just yet......get out of here with that. I am going to thoroughly enjoy his inevitable injury followed by a Tony Romo resurrection followed by a QB controversy going into the playoffs. 

Pick- Dallas

Pittsburgh vs. Cleveland: Since their resurrection in 1999, the Browns have started 20+ different quarterbacks. To be honest, when I read that I thought the number sounded low.  Sweet Christmas, how embarrassing. No wonder their team is named after the color of poopy.

Pick- Pittsburgh

Tennessee vs. Indianapolis: Meanwhile in Tennessee, Marcus Mariota is blossoming. 16 TDs and only 3 interceptions since week four, otherwise known as the week I released him from my fantasy football team. DAMN YOU FANTASY FOOTBALL.

Pick- Tennessee

Buffalo vs. Cincinnati: I just can't quit the Red Rocket, the Ginger Hammer, Andy "I will throw 10 TDs one week, 10 interceptions the next" Dalton. Much like how the Bengals can't quit Marvin Lewis, even though he has NEVER won a playoff game.

Pick- Cincinnati

Miami vs. LA Rams: It's amazing what a good running game can do for your team isn't it?  The Dolphins were an early disappointment.  Ryan Tannehill was trash.  And then Joseph Ajayi happened and all of a sudden Miami is in the hunt for the playoffs.  I can't wait for them to crash back to Earth, I am such a hater.

Pick- Miami

New England vs. San Francisco: So let me get this straight, you decide to kneel for the National Anthem in protest of how this country treats minorities, but then when you actually have a chance to put your money where your mouth is and vote for the change you are trying to make, you abstain? What a loser!  

Pick- New England

Philadelphia vs. Seattle: Russell Wilson has joined up with the group trying to bring the NBA and NHL to Seattle!  I also tried to join, but they said they needed more than a $3.50 contribution. How insulting. You know who wouldn't mind $3.50?

Pick- Seattle

Green Bay vs. Washington: You have to hand it to the Skins for keeping the controversial logo on their helmets even during throwback week. So brazen! We are going to have to pry that logo out of Dan Snyder's cold dead hands, its the only way. I bet when he does kick the bucket it gets engraved on his tombstone. Full disclosure, I don't really have a problem with the Redskins logo because I'm white and dumb and think fighting over this overshadows the things we should really be doing to help Native Americans.

Pick- Washington

Houston vs. Oakland: If you lost your eye, would you wear an eye patch? I know I'd give it a chance.  It's so gritty!  I bet I would get more chicks with the eye patch than without*

*gets no chicks,ever.

Pick- Oakland

 

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The Matt Saracen All-Star Team

Every week we will reward a player who channeled their inner QB1 and had the best fantasy football week. 

Week 10's All-Star is Marcus Mariota. 300 yards and 4 TDs against a strug-g-g-ling Packers team. Filthy numbers to say the least. Did you know he is Hawaiian?  If you ever watch a Titans game for longer than 17 seconds (don't) the announcers will tell you all about it. 

Week 1: AJ Green
Week 2: Cam Newton
Week 3: Marvin Jones
Week 4: Julio Jones
Week 5: Martellus Bennett
Week 6: Jay Ajayi
Week 7: Jay Ajayi
Week 8: Derek Carr
Week 9: Latavius Murray
Week 10: Marcus Mariota

Suicide Squad Pick of the Week

Knock-out/Suicide pools are becoming quite popular these days, so each week I'll share with you my pick for the week....that will inevitably lose on a last second FG EVERY TIME. 

Week 1: Seattle
Week 2: Carolina
Week 3: Dallas
Week 4:  Arizona - #RIP
Week 5: Indianapolis
Week 6: Pittsburgh - #RIP
Week 7: Cincinnati
Week 8: Patriots
Week 9:  New Orleans
Week 10: Baltimore
Week 11: NY Giants

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