The END Zone: NFL Week 12 Picks

November 23, 2016
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Thanksgiving is here, you guys!  A day full of food and football. THE BEST. I always hated when my favorite team played on Thanksgiving. It was too stressful. Cramming 6 lbs of bird and fixins safely in your stomach is hard enough without a must win game kicking off in 3 minutes giving you butterflies. The only thing you should worry about on turkey day is whether or not Aunt Jackie was going to ruin the stuffing by putting raisins in it.

Minnesota vs. Detroit:  No one likes that by the way.  Raisins don't belong in stuffing, or anywhere near the dinner table really. They should only show up in your kid's lunch box and in the trail mix I snack on so I can pretend to eat healthy.  Other than that, we need to adhere to a strict no raisin policy. BUILD A WALL, I SAY! 

Pick: Lions

Washington vs. Dalls: Kiiiiiiiiinda messed up to have the Washington team playing on Thanksgiving right?  Too politically charged for my liking. We need to adhere to a strict no Redskin game on Thanksgiving policy. BUILD A WALL, I SAY! 

Pick: Cowboys

Steelers vs. Colts:  Give yourselves a round of applause if you can fight off the tryptophan long enough to see the kickoff to this game. There's really no need for a 3rd Thanksgiving game. Then again, there's really no need for that 3rd round of turkey and stuffing you're going to eat either. We need to adhere to a strict no 3rds policy. BUILD A WALL, I SAY! 

Pick: Steelers

LA Rams vs. Saints: I can honestly say I can't recall ever eating non canned cranberries at Thanksgiving.  Also shout outs to my mom, who would put them on the table just as they came out of the can. If I had a deli slicer, that would be how I portioned them out.  "Uncle Chuck, you want these cranberries thick or sliced deli thin???"

Pick: LA Rams

Tennessee vs. Chicago:  I bet Marcus Mariota serves his turkey with pineapple, because he's Hawaiian and I like to generalize. I bet Jay Cutler serves his on a pile of cigarette butts, because Jay Cutler

Pick: Tennessee

Arizona vs. Atlanta:  A Bird Bowl on Thanksgiving weekend.  Surely not a coincidence! I bet Roger Goddell personally booked this game. "The NFL needs special (awful) monochrome uniforms for Thursday night games, and two bird teams MUST play eachother on Thanksgiving weekend. Our fans deserve this!" There should be a gentlemen's bet between these two teams that the loser has to call themselves The Turkeys for the rest of the season.  David Johnson would run for 600 yds, you guys.

Pick: Atlanta

NY GIants vs. Cleveland:  The Browns look like something you would put on your dining table as the centerpiece for Thanksgiving.  That's a dumb thing by the way, the centerpiece.  Never understood it.  Wasting that prime table real estate with a stupid diorama or one of those dead flower bouquets is just bad decision making, like throwing 5 yd out routes on 3rd and 7.  Infuriating. We need to adhere to a strict no centerpiece policy. BUILD A WALL, I SAY!

Pick: Giants

San Diego vs. Houston: The turkey, stuffing, and gravy get all the glory, but the green bean casserole is really the thing that puts Thanksgiving dinner over the top for me. Its the offensive line of the meal, so underappreciated yet so necessary.

Pick: Texans

Jacksonville vs. Buffalo: If you really want to blow people's minds this year, make Shoyu cream sauce for your gravy.  2 cups of heavy cream, 1/4 cup of soy sauce, a little cornstarch. Boom.  Your guests will think you are so fancy when really all you did was spill some soy sauce in a bowl of cream. Suckers.

Pick: Buffalo

Cincinnati vs. Baltimore: I bet there are awful Thanksgiving leftover Skyline chili recipes out there somewhere. 

Pick: Cincinnati

San Francisco vs. Miami: Smoked salmon is the king of Thanksgiving appetizers. I'd eat salmon everyday if I could, but everyone knows if you do you will turn into a bear. Like Altered Beast. Remember that game?  Lyncathropy is SO COOL.  

Pick: Miami

Seattle vs. Tampa Bay: I LOVE Thanksgiving dinner, but I might love leftover Thanksgiving sandwiches even more.  Take as much turkey as you like (at least 2lbs for me), cover with stuffing and gravy, and put inside a really good baguette.  Some people will suggest cranberry sauce (deli sliced per our earlier conversation) as well, but I like a little mayo myself. It really ties the room together! 

Pick: Tampa Bay

New England vs. NY Jets: Don't get it twisted, sweet potato pie and pumpkin pie taste exactly the same.

Pick: New England

Carolina vs. Oakland: Furthermore, did you know that yams are actually sweet potatoes. Its true! Therefore, yam pie would taste just like sweet potato pie, which would taste just like pumpkin pie. PIECEPTION!

Pick: Oakland

Kansas City vs. Denver: At some point during your meal someone is going to bring up that turkey wasn't even served at the first Thanksgiving.  Throwing a roll at their head is a perfectly acceptable response. 

Pick: Denver

Green Bay vs. Philadelphia: As if this season wasn't horrible enough, I figure I'll run out of Thanksgiving leftovers right as this game starts, which means I'm going to get double disappointment as I choke down my last delicious slice of turkey while the Packers choke away their last chance of making the playoffs.  

Pick: Philadelphia

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The Matt Saracen All-Star Team

Every week we will reward a player who channeled their inner QB1 and had the best fantasy football week. 

Week 11's All-Star is Kirk Cousins who dropped 375 yds and 3 TDs against a strug-g-g-ling Packers team. I basically copied that word for word from last week. The lesson here, is if you have a QB playing against Green Bay, start them.  

Week 1: AJ Green
Week 2: Cam Newton
Week 3: Marvin Jones
Week 4: Julio Jones
Week 5: Martellus Bennett
Week 6: Jay Ajayi
Week 7: Jay Ajayi
Week 8: Derek Carr
Week 9: Latavius Murray
Week 10: Marcus Mariota

Week 11: Kirk Cousins

Suicide Squad Pick of the Week

Knock-out/Suicide pools are becoming quite popular these days, so each week I'll share with you my pick for the week....that will inevitably lose on a last second FG EVERY TIME. 

Week 1: Seattle
Week 2: Carolina
Week 3: Dallas
Week 4:  Arizona - #RIP
Week 5: Indianapolis
Week 6: Pittsburgh - #RIP
Week 7: Cincinnati
Week 8: Patriots
Week 9:  New Orleans
Week 10: Baltimore
Week 11: NY Giants

Week 12: Miami