The END Zone: NFL Week 13 Picks

November 30, 2016
Categories: 

We get the weirdest messages sent to us through social media and the text line here at the station. Most are weird funny but some are weird strange. I think its because people forget there are actual humans on the other side of the screen and the words that get typed into keyboards get read by real people. That's going to be a real mental complex (or a hate crime defense) sometime in the near future, just watch.  Anyway, please remember that the next time you think about texting the station asking for sex or threatening to kill one of us. 

 

Dallas vs. Minnesota: The Vikings have a hard hitting defense. The Cowboys have a killer offense led by 2 rookies and seem set up to be one of the better NFC teams for years to come. I lived through the Cowboys' heyday of the 90's and let me tell you, that is a fan base NO ONE wants to have to listen to for the next few years. 

Pick: Cowboys

Detroit vs. New Orleans: How long did you last before having to tap out on Thanksgiving leftovers?  My last meal was Tuesday night. For as much as I love green bean casserole, stuffing, taters, and turkey, 6 days in a row is my limit. It made me think though, what single food could you eat for the most consecutive days?  I think anything would be tricky for over a week. That's the limits of human ability. And the answer is tacos, obviously.

Pick: Lions

Los Angeles vs. New England: Do you think the Jeff Fisher vs Eric Dickerson feud (hot take alert!)came to a head this week so that everyone would be talking about that instead of how bad the Patriots are going to smash the Rams?  I do. Don't sleep on Jeff Fisher, you guys, he knows what he's doing. 

Pick: Patriots

Denver vs. Jacksonville: Trevor Siemian might not play because of a foot injury.  It won't matter. Blake Bortles will throw 100 ints against this Denver defense. Or at least he would've until I just reverse jinxed him. 

Pick: Broncos

San Francisco vs. Chicago: Colin Kaepernick is the worst kind of person, in that he is woke enough to have an opinion, but too dumb to have good ones. You can't stand against opression AND wear Fidel Castro shirts, bruh. 

Pick: Bears

Houston vs. Green Bay: Aaron Rodgers got hurt last week, and instead of being checked out on the sideline like every other football player ever, the team rushed him in a little tent for treatment. HOW MYSTERIOUS!  I want to know whats in that thing, and who I need to see about getting one!  Do you think he has a NES Classic in there?  Or a Nespresso machine? I'd put a Nespresso machine in my sideline tent for sure.  Think how great it would be to have one of those at the ready in everyday life.  Annoying coworker won't leave your office? Boom, sideline tent!  Get a little too drunk at the Sounders match and need a minute to gather yourself? Boom, sideline tent!  Sideline tent should be the must have gift of the holiday season.

Pick: Packers

Kansas City vs. Atlanta:  Was Kansas City's uuuuge win over Denver the turning point of that franchise?  Probably not because Andy Reid is still their coach and he is really good at not winning in the playoffs. Also, one reason why the NFL's popularity might be struggling is that everyone who Googled "Tyreek Hill" after his amazing breakout performance found out he strangled his then pregnant wife. Hard to root for dudes like that. Then again, someone that suggests grabbing women by their hoo ha's is now our president, so what do I know. 

Pick: Chiefs

Miami vs. Baltimore:  Ravens kicker Justin Tucker proposed that teams should get an extra point if the ball goes through the uprights on a kickoff.  What a crazy idea. I LOVE IT.  There should be more ways to score points in football. I say if you score a TD from over 50 yds it should be worth 7 instead of 6, or if you destroy a ball carrier with a hard hit, the opposing team should lose 2 points. You could literally knock the points out of a team. ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!?!?! You'd watch.

Pick: Dolphins

Philadelphia vs. Cincinnati: Philadelphia is now the worst team in the NFC East, and the perfect example of why we need to stop with the hot takes. After 5 weeks of the season, people were crowning Carson Wentz as the heir apparent to Tom Brady, the next John Elway.  Philadelphia finally figured it out! Not so fast. Wentz has 11 TDs compared to 17 TO's and is in the bottom half of QBs statistically.  Not saying he's trash, just saying let's give a guy at least one full season before we put him in Canton. 

Pick: Eagles

Buffalo vs. Oakland: You see my boy Derek Carr's nasty disclocated pinky finger? Of course you did, they only showed the replay 783 times!  Not that it bothered me, but for the squeamish that must've been pure torture.  Freeze frames, super slow motion, every possible angle.  I think Troy Aikman even used that weird machine that lets you draw on the TV screen.  "Ya see Joe, the finger is supposed to bend this way at the knuckle, but as you can see, its going the wrong way here. I think they should run the ball here bla bla bla Cowboys." That finger got more air time than Barron Trump did at his dad's victory speech. Concerning that I just compared watching our soon to be President's victory speech to watching someones finger bend ever which way except the way its supposed to? YOU BETCHA. 

Pick: Raiders

Tampa Bay vs. San Diego: The jersey numbers on the Buccaneers uniforms look like the same style as the ones on old digital alarm clocks. I'm against it. 

Pick: Chargers

NY Giants vs. Pittsburgh: I've never been to Pittsburgh, but I've seen the Deer Hunter so I like to pretend that's what life is like there.  Mike Tomlin getting in his rusty old pick up to drive past the old steel mill to Big Ben's house, the two sharing some tin cans of beer, followed by a rousing game of Russian roulette. Pittsburgh is so hard core. 

Pick: Steelers

Washington vs. Arizona:  Arizona sucks and it would suck to be a fan of them. I will never forgive them for wasting the career of Larry Fitzgerald. Their tailgate scene before games is an absolute warzone as well.  Mad Max: Fury Road was actually filmed there. Look it up! 

Pick: Washington

Carolina vs. Seattle: Wasn't this supposed to be an NFC Championship preview?  Instead Seattle is looking to hammer the nail in the Panther's season's coffin.  Truthfully, its probably already over for Carolina, but whatever, because everything has to have a storyline now a days.  Nothing can just happen within the simple context of the moment. Take last week's Seahawks loss to Tampa.  Was it bad? Sure. Did it expose some flaws? And how!  But are the Seahawks in danger of crapping the bed and getting bounced early in the playoffs? Hell naw. They'll be fine as long as QB3 is upright and mobile.

Pick: Seahawks

Indianapolis vs. NY Jets: One of our coworkers decided to accept a new job a few weeks ago.  This person will be missed, but it kind of works out for me.  You see, we both signed off emails with "cheers" and since he was here first I always felt there was a little animosity that I was encroaching on his turf. Like, that was his thing.  But now that he's gone, the road is wide open and I am clear for take off. CHEERS! -Manley.

That felt good.

Pick: NY Jets

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The Matt Saracen All-Star Team

Every week we will reward a player who channeled their inner QB1 and had the best fantasy football week. 

Week 12's All-Star is Kirk Cousins, AGAIN!  While we were busy stuffing (get it?) our faces on Thanskgiving noms, he was dropping almost 450 yds on the Cowboys! This was in a losing effort though, so really how much do you think he celebrated after?  Probably a lot. He seems like that kind of a dude right? 

Week 1: AJ Green
Week 2: Cam Newton
Week 3: Marvin Jones
Week 4: Julio Jones
Week 5: Martellus Bennett
Week 6: Jay Ajayi
Week 7: Jay Ajayi
Week 8: Derek Carr
Week 9: Latavius Murray
Week 10: Marcus Mariota

Week 11: Kirk Cousins

Week 12: Kirk Cousins

Suicide Squad Pick of the Week

Knock-out/Suicide pools are becoming quite popular these days, so each week I'll share with you my pick for the week....that will inevitably lose on a last second FG EVERY TIME. 

Week 1: Seattle
Week 2: Carolina
Week 3: Dallas
Week 4:  Arizona - #RIP
Week 5: Indianapolis
Week 6: Pittsburgh - #RIP
Week 7: Cincinnati
Week 8: Patriots
Week 9:  New Orleans
Week 10: Baltimore
Week 11: NY Giants

Week 12: Miami

Week 13: Oakland (I am really running out of teams to pick here!)