The END Zone: NFL Week 14 Picks

December 8, 2016
Categories: 

Deck the Hall Ball happened earlier this week and boy was it a good time.  Thank you all x100 for braving the cold and coming out to party with us.  Its always super amazing to stand on stage and see thousands of you losing your minds to your favorite bands. Lets do it again next year, yeah?

 

Oakland vs. Kansas City:  I am starting to think the Chiefs are going to go to the Super Bowl, because 2016 is crazy.  If Cleveland can get one, and the Cubs can get one, it only makes sense Andy Reid gets one. 

Pick: Kansas City

Washington vs. Philadelphia: I'm not a tinfoil hat enthusiast or anything, but something is going on.  Twice this week I've mentioned something in conversation only to have an ad for that product show up in my Facebook timeline.  My theory is that hundreds of years ago Jebediah Facebook figured out a way to install tiny transmitters into tooth fillings and starting putting them in people, knowing that in the future his offspring would figure out how to monetize social media platforms by providing super targeted advertising. IT COULD BE TRUE! 

Pick: Washington

Houston vs. Indianapolis:  It was supposed to snow on Monday, and then not on Tuesday, but probably also on Wednesday and then definitely on Thursday, and yet here we are just waiting...staring at the skies in hope of a proper white Christmas.  How is it that we have phones that can monitor everything from our heart rates to our sleep cycles but still can't predict weather with any accuracy whatsoever?  Where are you SCIENCE???

Pick: Indianapolis

Cincinnati vs. Cleveland: I dated a girl who would apply chap stick pretty much every 6 minutes and it drove me nuts.  I never understood it, because I never got chapped lips before.  Well, I do now, and its killing me.  I should call her....

Pick: Cincinnati

Denver vs. Tennessee:  I was officially eliminated from playoff contention in my fantasy football league. Truth be told it was the first moment all year that I even really cared about playing.  Of course, now that I can't possibly win I'm furious and hate fantasy football with the heat of a thousand suns and vow to come back next year and reign supreme!  Competitive spirit is worse than crack cocaine. 

Pick: Denver

Arizona vs. Miami: White helmet v white helmet alert! Which QB is going to get confused and throw 4 ints this game?  Well, smart money is on Ryan Tannehill because, well, do you really trust that guy? And also because AZ has a boss defense. That said, I'm going with Carson Palmer because I AM SMARTER THAN EVERYONE!  **stand by for "I am such an idiot for betting on Miami" tweet**

Pick: Miami

Chicago vs. Detroit:  Here's how this one goes, Detroit looks ahead to their final 3 games of the year against Dallas, the Giants, and Green Bay and lays an egg against the Bears. Then they lose to Dallas, beat New York and end up in winner take all game against Green Bay for the NFC North.  This will happen because they are the Lions and that's what they do. 

Pick: Chicago

Pittsburgh vs. Buffalo: I would not want to play the Steelers in the playoffs. That offense is so good. Of course, they need to qualify for them first but with only 1 game left against a winning team that shouldn't be a problem. 

Pick: Steelers

San Diego vs. Carolina: Cam Newton was suspended for the first series in last week's game against Seattle. On that series, backup QB Derek Anderson threw a pick and basically ended the game before it even started.  I bet Anderson was pissed, and not because of the interception.  I firmly believe that backup quarterbacks have the best job in sports because they literally never have to do anything outside of the occasional hold on a kick.  Ole DA wanted nothing to do with being on that field against the Legion of Boom. Ron Rivera should've called for 3 handoffs, punted, and got Cam back in. Idiot.

Pick: San Diego

Minnesota vs. Jacksonville:  How come no one has made a Legend of Zelda movie yet?  It has everything you could want: elves, princesses, dungeons, monsters. Seems obvious. I'd probably even just settle for a livestream of someone playing it from front to back. 

Pick: Minnesota

NY Jets vs. San Francisco: Colin Kaepernick threw for 4 yards against the Bears last week. That isn't a typo.

Pick: NY Jets

Atlanta vs. Los Angeles: Jeff Fisher just needs to take 2 more L's to become the losingest coach in NFL history. I wonder if they'll sell commemorative hats to celebrate! Oh, and if he doesn't get it this season, don't worry, the Rams already gave him a 2 year extension!  

Pick: Atlanta

New Orleans vs. Tampa Bay:  I just noticed Tampa Bay was 7-5, which means they very well could make the playoffs! If they did they should totally wear the orange cream throw backs.  EVERYONE would root for them, except Patriots fans, but they're jerks so whatever. 

Pick: Tampa Bay

Seattle vs. Green Bay:  Oh man, this is basically my Super Bowl.  As a Packer fan living in Seattle, with a crap team this year, I will just say good luck.....and if you hear someone threatening to burn Cap Hill to the ground after Aaron Rodgers overthrows his reciever for the 19th time, don't worry, its just me and I don't mean it. 

Pick: Packers

Dallas vs. NY Giants: Its too bad Tony Romo is probably done playing for the Cowboys because we deserve one final derp fest between him and Payton Manning's brother.  Nothing more entertaining than watching 2 quarterbacks trying to out-intercept eachother. 

Pick: Giants

Baltimore vs. New England:  I am supposed to sign all of my social media posts with "-Manley" because, rules.  Its starting to permeate in to my everyday life though, which is weird. -Manley (SEE!)

Pick: New England -Manley (DAMMIT!!!)

***

The Matt Saracen All-Star Team

Every week we will reward a player who channeled their inner QB1 and had the best fantasy football week. 

Week 12's All-Star is Jordan Howard of the Chicago Bears!  There's nothing worse than when a non superstar player scores 3 TDs against you in fantasy football. Getting destroyed by Antonio Brown is one thing, getting knocked out of the playoffs because some donk on the Bears hit you with 18 scores is enough to make you swear off fantasy sports....until next season.  Quitting fantasy football is harder than quitting smoking.  

Week 1: AJ Green
Week 2: Cam Newton
Week 3: Marvin Jones
Week 4: Julio Jones
Week 5: Martellus Bennett
Week 6: Jay Ajayi
Week 7: Jay Ajayi
Week 8: Derek Carr
Week 9: Latavius Murray
Week 10: Marcus Mariota

Week 11: Kirk Cousins

Week 12: Kirk Cousins

Week 13: Jordan Howard

Suicide Squad Pick of the Week

Knock-out/Suicide pools are becoming quite popular these days, so each week I'll share with you my pick for the week....that will inevitably lose on a last second FG EVERY TIME. 

Week 1: Seattle
Week 2: Carolina
Week 3: Dallas
Week 4:  Arizona - #RIP
Week 5: Indianapolis
Week 6: Pittsburgh - #RIP
Week 7: Cincinnati
Week 8: Patriots
Week 9:  New Orleans
Week 10: Baltimore
Week 11: NY Giants

Week 12: Miami

Week 13: Oakland

Week 14: Before I incorrectly make this pick and every one for the rest of the season, can we just acknowledge that going 11-2 so far is pretty damn impressive. MUCH more impressive than my 25-100 (estimated) record with the weekly picks. Ok, now that that's out of the way.....Minnesota