The END Zone- NFL Week 2 Preview

September 14, 2016
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This week the NFL unveiled this year's edition of Color Rush jerseys to be used during Thursday Night Football to the chagrin of color blind people everywhere.

 In short, they are terrible.

I wish the NFL would just let things be, but of course, once you own all the different variations of Seahawks gear I guess they need to make more, because $$$. Surely this makes me old, but I like tradition. I want my coffee to taste like coffee, not pumpkin pie. I want my car driven by a human, not a robot. And dagnabbit, I want my football teams to look like gladiators, not jars of Grey Poupon or in the Seahawks case, highlighters. Seriously, Russell Wilson will be visible from space in these things (unless he lines up in front of a green screen, in which case he would be practically invisible. INNOVATIVE OFFENSIVE SCHEME ALERT!)

Stay out of my pockets, NFL, and stop offending my eyes with these awful monochrome color schemes.  Get off my lawn! 

On to the picks.

NY Jets vs Buffalo: Those crazy Ryan boys are at it again!  How do they not have a reality show?  Following the adventures of Rex and Rob Ryan as they go over x's and o's while devouring three-foot-long cheese steaks in the team meeting room, trying to dominate the AFC East. I'd watch the heck out of that, even if it was on Bravo!

Pick: Jets

Kansas City vs Houston: When I lived in Las Vegas, I would run into Nicholas Cage at our neighborhood Whole Foods all the time. All.The.Time, you guys. Once we were picking avocados and he turns to me and says "you gotta check for ripeness" and then proceeded to squeeze one for what seemed like forever. The strange thing is, that avocado never squished, and I've always wondered if that meant it was ripe or not.

Pick: Chiefs

Baltimore vs Cleveland: RGIII is hurt which means the best QB on the Browns roster is currently also probably their best WR. Look, I'm no expert, but I have to believe that's a concerning situation.  

Pick: Ravens

Cincinnati vs Pittsburgh: Antonio Brown, what happens when DNA from Usain Bolt and Randy Moss are combined, was penalized last weekend for twerking.  Thing is, it was such good twerking that he should've been awarded an extra 15 yards instead! Seriously, he should teach classes.

Pick: Steelers

Dallas vs Washington: At what point does a nap become a sleep?  Three hours? Four? Is it only a sleep if you end up in a bed, or does a blanket need to be involved?  These are the things I think about after waking up in the third quarter of the late games on a Sunday.  

Pick: Redskins

New Orleans vs NY Giants: I wish the Giants played music from They Might Be Giants for their entrance. Because nothing says football like a song about a night light!  

Pick: Giants

Tennessee vs Detroit: This week's sign of the apocalypse comes from the automotible industry, where Grand Theft Auto is being used to train self-driving cars how to recognize other vehicles and other potential road blocks. Call me crazy, but couldn't they have used a game like Grand Turismo, or RC Pro-Am?  Anything less murdery, really. 

Pick: Lions

San Francisco vs Carolina: Colin Kaepernick has as much right to sit during the anthem as you or I do to get on social media and complain about it. Ironically, by going on social media to complain, you draw attention to it, thus rendering the protest effective.  

Pick: Carolina

Tampa Bay vs Arizona: IF Arizona is a true Super Bowl contender, Tampa is about to get a beating.  If they aren't, an 0-2 start blows the NFC race wide open.

Pick: Arizona

Seattle vs Los Angeles: The Los Angeles Rams haven't scored a TD in this millenium and don't look like they will be anytime soon. Almost time to start making "Free Todd Gurley" shirts.  

Pick: Seattle

Indianapolis vs Denver: There are a ton of wacky conspiracy theories and tales about the Denver Airport.  The crazy thing, is the one about the horse sculpture killing the dude that made it is actually true!

Pick: Denver

Jacksonville vs San Diego: If it wasn't for Aaron Rodgers, a real life Madden 17 create-a-player whose sliders got turned all the way up to 99, Jacksonville would have been the talk of the NFL for beating The Packers last week.  If they ever get a defense, look out. 

Pick: Jacksonville

Atlanta vs Oakland: The Raiders won on a two-point conversion last week after roaring back against the Saints in New Orleans. That's some bold play-calling!  Its funny how the two-point conversion was put in to make the game more exciting, but whenever anyone tries one all the talking heads are like "oooh I don't know, Boom, seems like a real risky move."  Shut up. Risky is hitting up a Taco Bell 5 minutes before close and ordering a bunch of specialty items. "Looks like there's only one squirt of sour cream left in that tube, the one with the crust forming on it, I'LL TAKE IT!"  Deciding you'd rather take your chances on a conversion instead of letting Drew Brees back on the field is common sense really.

Pick: Oakland

Green Bay vs Minnesota: How did a team with a tough nickname like the Vikings end up wearing purple? Is there a less intimidating color than purple?  

Pick: Green Bay

Philadelphia vs Chicago: A few weeks ago I watched the Mike Singletary episode of "A Football Life." I'm a sucker for any and all sports documentaries and boy this one was intense! Mike Singletary doesn't mess around, on the field or when he's loading dishes.  If he suited back up for the Bears right now, I'm convinced he would be their fifth best player. 

Pick: Chicago

The Matt Saracen All-Star Team

Every week we will reward a player who channeled their inner QB1 and had the best fantasy football week. Last week my fantasy football team lost by .04pts. That's right, literally lost by the point equivalent of one foot.  I hate fantasy sports with a passion. So much, in fact, that I'm trimming down to only five teams next year.

Anyway, Week 1's Fantasy All-Star is A.J. Green, who was supposed to be locked down on Revis island but decided to go off instead. 180 yards and a TD...Revis island? More like a all inclusive resort complete with a private beach and one of those fountains that pour chocolate. 

Week 1: AJ Green
 

Suicide Squad Pick of the Week-

Knock-out/Suicide pools are becoming quite popular these days, so each week I'll share with you my pick for the week....that will inevitably lose on a last second FG EVERY TIME. 

Week 1- Seattle - CORRECT

Week 2- Pick Carolina and jam this song after you win! 

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