The END Zone: NFL Week 3 Preview

September 21, 2016

I didn't get to watch much football last weekend because I had friends in town and had to take them around the city.

During football season, I propose all vacations should be reserved for mid week, that way you can get some much needed time off work, see some crap, and still not lose out on any valuable sweatpants time. Whatever candidate makes this part of their platform gets my vote.

Yup, even Trump!

Houston vs. New England: I am dreading the inevitable "New England wins with their 3rd-string QB, moves to 3-0!" headlines already. Houston has to win this, not for themselves, but for the 99% of American football fans that can't stand Boston sports.  Has a fanbase ever gone from so lovable to so entitled and awful in such a short period of time?  

Pick: Houston

Cleveland vs. Miami: The Browns should paint jack-o-lantern faces on the sides of their helmets for the month of October.  This is the second worst jersey idea in NFL history, but before you laugh it off, just know that the first dumbest jersey innovation can be seen on the NFL Network every Thursday night.  ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!

Pick: Miami

Baltimore vs. Jacksonville: Jacksonville got waxed by the Chargers last weekend, how embarrassing for them. I had Yeldon and Robinson on my fantasy team last year and kind of fell in love with their offense so I am going to pick them to win every week.  How embarrassing for me.

Pick: Jacksonville

Denver vs. Cincinnati:  Retired running backs are lit these days.  First Ickey Woods got himself some cold cuts, with hilarious results, and now Bo Jackson is back with a Tecmo Bowl-themed ad.  It's so sad to me that most kids today have no idea how good Bo Jackson was, both in real life or Tecmo Bowl.  Greatest video game athlete of all time (Ken Griffey Jr from his own SNES game is #2.)

Pick: Cincinnati

Oakland vs. Tennessee:  Derek Carr has a dog named Bruce Wayne. I bet he dresses it up as Batman for Halloween. Too easy, Derek. I don't know if I'll ever have another dog after the Mookiedog passes, but if I do I am 100% naming it Stone Cold Steve Austin. That way when he does something to make me angry I'll yell "Stone Cold! Stone Cold!" and have a good laugh while I clean poop off my rug. 

Pick: Oakland

Detroit vs. Green Bay:  Last time these two teams got together, THIS happened.  The way Green Bay has started the season, Aaron Rodgers might need to do it again. Has anyone ever completed two Hail Marys against one team?  On the level of irrational reasons to hate a guy, beating your favorite team twice on Hail Marys has to be pretty close to the top of the list. 

Pick: Green Bay

Minnesota vs. Carolina:  Boy, are people jumping on the Sam Bradford bandwagon? That's the funny thing about the first few weeks of the NFL season - Everyone is so pumped to have football to talk about again that it's just hot take after hot take from Sunday night to next Sunday morning. "Sam Bradford finally figured it out, Vikes are going to the playoffs!"  Sam Bradford gets sacked 600 times against Carolina. "Sam Bradford holds the ball too damn long and will never lead us to the Super Bowl."  Football fans. So fickle. So boisterous.

Pick: Carolina

Arizona vs. Buffalo:  The best part about Chris Berman shutting it down after this year is that we can finally rid ourselves of that dumb "nobody circles the wagons like the Buffalo Bills" line. Awful.  Good riddance.

Pick: Arizona

Washington vs. NY Giants:  I liked the Giants gray pants and was upset when I heard they were changing them back to white, but I must admit, I really like the white as well.  The Giants are the leaders in pant fashion, is what I'm trying to say.  I'll see myself out....

Pick: Giants

Los Angeles vs. Tampa Bay:  I'm not a big fan of rhyming nicknames, but Famous Jameis is great.  They should throw cookies off the pirate ship after every TD in Tampa.  Accurate AND delicious, albeit a little too on the nose. 

Pick: Tampa Bay

San Francisco vs. Seattle: Remember when this game used to matter?  Now it's so lopsided, a guy I know sold his tickets to this game.  Of course, I thought last week's game against The Rams was going to be a blowout too, so.....

Pick: Seattle

San Diego vs. Indianapolis:  If you are a gambling man or woman, the Chargers must be your least favorite team.  Every time you think they are going to be good, they are terrible, and every time you think they are going to stink, they hang a 30 burger on someone.  For example, this week they play a desperate Colts team and won't have Danny Woodhead or Keenan Allen so they should lose.  Rest assured, they won't. Damn, I hate the Chargers.

Pick: Indianapolis

NY Jets vs. Kansas City:  I betcha Alex Smith has a good laugh after every Chiefs win and 49ers loss. 

Pick: Kansas City

Pittsburgh vs. Philadelphia: I have a bad feeling that Carson Wentz comes back down to Earth this week against the Steelers. They may not have the best uniforms in the NFL, but is there a more intimidating looking outfit than that black and yellow?  Doubtful

Pick: Pittsburgh

Chicago vs. Dallas:  Jay Cutler has thrown for 31,000 yards and 205 TDs.  Tony Romo has thrown for 34,000 yards and 250 TDs.  Fans of both franchises are quietly happy neither is playing this week. 

Pick: Dallas

Atlanta vs. New Orleans:  If you haven't been watching Donald Glover's (Childish Gambino) new show "Atlanta," you are totally missing out.  Might be my new favorite show. 

Pick: New Orleans


The Matt Saracen All-Star Team

Every week we will reward a player who channeled their inner QB1 and had the best fantasy football week. 

Week 2's Fantasy All-Star is Cam Newton.  I played against him last week and thought to myself "I think I can easily win this week as long as Cam doesn't do Cam things all game."  Welp, 4 TDs and 350 yards later, I was soundly defeated.  At least I didn't know until Sunday night since I spent the day at Snoqualmie Falls. 

Week 1: AJ Green
Week 2: Cam Newton

Suicide Squad Pick of the Week

Knock-out/Suicide pools are becoming quite popular these days, so each week I'll share with you my pick for the week....that will inevitably lose on a last second FG EVERY TIME. 

Week 1: Seattle - CORRECT
Week 2: Carolina - CORRECT

Week 3 prediction:  This week let's roll the dice a bit and go with the DALLAS COWBOYS and when they win listen to this....if you dare.

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Follow Manley on Twitter: @Manchild1077