The END zone: NFL Week 4 Preview

Who will win this week's NFL Matchups?

September 29, 2016
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Earlier this week, football took a back seat to the Presidential Debate/longest opening sketch from SNL ever.

By all measurable standards Hillary Clinton, America's most powerful soccer mom, defeated Donald Trump, an angry pumpkin with the sniffles. The REAL winner, however, was the internet. Hot takes, hotter memes, and the sickest of burns flooded social media for hours on end and continued well after the worst version of "would you rather" ever ended. Here's the problem, though, one of these two walking punch lines are about to become our next President of The United States. While we laugh at them, the rest of the world is laughing at us. I've never been the one to be the wet blanket, and by all means, continue to have your fun, just please remember the magnitude of the situation. We should probably treat the election a little more seriously than an episode of The Bachelor.  

On to the games....

Miami vs. Cincinnati: How much would you pay to see the NFL Dolphins take on the HBO Ballers Dolphins?  Surely as much as you would pay for music, amirite? THAT WAS A SICK BURN ON THE DECLINING SALES IN THE RECORD INDUSTRY DUE TO STREAMING SERVICES AND YOU WILL SLOW CLAP ACCORDINGLY. 

Pick: Cincinnati

Seattle vs. NY Jets: Ryan Fitzpatrick threw 29 interceptions (for real! look it up!) against the Kansas City Chiefs last weekend, whose defense is basically the AFC version of the Legion of Boom. May God have mercy on his soul this week against the Hawks. Also, can we reserve the "Sea.....Hawks" chant for Sundays only please?  We get it bro, you are a Hawks fan, but I don't think the waiting room for a colonic is the place to start a pep rally.  Not sayin', just sayin'. 

Pick: Seattle

Buffalo vs. New England: You ever think to yourself when you see the pictures of the people that just made their relationship Facebook official, "Well, there's no way this ends well?" That's how I felt when Rex Ryan called out the Patriots at his post game press conference last week. 

Pick: New England

Tennessee vs. Houston: JJ Watt wrecked is back again and might be out for the entire season.  That sucks, because he is one of the most exciting players in the NFL and is also from Wisconsin like me. It's funny when you move around a lot how much you find yourself rooting for anything associated with your home state. I blame his injury on the amount of commercials he appears in by the way. Too much time in front of the camera, not enough time in the weight room JJ!  Odell Beckham Jr is the next to go down because of this, mark my words. 

Pick: Tennessee

Cleveland vs. Washington: RG III returns to Washington to take on the team that drafted, and then ruined his ca......oh wait, he's hurt again. Never mind.  Terrelle Pryor will start at QB, WR, K, SS, and FB this week and will also call the coin flip. I hope they start putting stupid Buckeye stickers on his stupid orange helmet.  

Pick: Washington

Carolina vs. Atlanta: What's up with Carolina?  They are playing as poorly as Cam Newton's headware choices

Pick: Carolina

Detroit vs. Chicago: Andrew WK is coming to town next week as part of his Power of Partying Tour and I couldn't be more excited about it! He is such an amazing person and really the opposite of what you expect someone who wrote "Party Hard" to be like....but also TOTALLY like what you expect someone to be like that wrote "Party Hard." He's inception.

Pick: Detroit

Oakland vs. Baltimore: There are SO many fat kickers now and Sebastian Janikowski is to blame. They look so hilariously out of place. We expect our kickers to look like soccer nerds with helmets, not dudes who took full advantage of the Olive Garden Never Ending Pasta Pass. <side note> I will offer you my first born son for your Olive Garden Never Ending Pasta Pass. Alfredo and breadsticks for lyfe! </side note>

Pick: Oakland

Denver vs. Tampa Bay: My favorite time of year is that sweet spot between summer and fall when its shorts and hoodie weather.  Not hot enough to go full Beach Mode (patent pending), not cold enough to make it through the day in jeans without a case of swamp ass.  Now, people with any sense of fashion will tell you that the shorts and hoodies combo is a MAJOR no no, but those are the same people that will tell you that pumpkin spice lattes are the drink of the devil. These people are the worst, and want to do everything they can to ruin your autumn.  Damn the anti-autumnites I say!  

Pick: Denver

New Orleans vs. San Diego: An Australian man was recently bit on his penis by a black widow...FOR THE SECOND TIME! There's bad luck, and then there's getting bit in the dingus by a poisonous spider multiple times.  I feel like the Chargers season is much like this guy's wang.  So many season ending injuries, you guys.

Pick: San Diego

Dallas vs. San Francisco: Hot take alert! Knotts Berry Farms had to shut down one of their Halloween attractions after complaints that it was insensitive towards people with mental health issues. This sucks. I understand the need to be respectful to people with disabilities, but has anyone ever met someone with a mental issue and thought to themselves "hmm, I remember this one time I went to a haunted house that had a hospital theme so obviously anyone that has mental issue is also clearly haunted?"  No, because that's what's cool about having a brain, we can discern make believe from reality.  Furthermore, I wish people that were this concerned over such an issue would direct their focus on issues that would actually make a difference to people with problems, like the rising prices of prescription drugs or the availability of options for people to deal with their problems. But hey, thats just me. 

Pick: Dallas

Los Angeles vs. Arizona: Carson Palmer sure has been playing like a jerk.  I know this because I have a friend who is a Cardinals fan and he texts me "Carson Palmer is a *^&#*^@ jerk" at least 63 times a game. They should be running away with the NFC right now, instead they are facing a Los Angeles Rams team that has a better record than them!  Football is so weird sometimes.

Pick: Arizona

Kansas City vs. Pittsburgh: At some point on Sunday, Chris Berman, an over tanned and sweaty life model decoy of Fred Flinstone, will talk about how this game promises to be a hard-hitting affair, akin to some obscure matchup from the 60s or 70s.  Mark that down.  And speaking of marking things down, last week I said he would mention circling the wagons and sure enough he did. I almost jumped off my couch, but I had a can of queso dip in my lap so cooler heads prevailed. I am slightly bothered that I totally missed an "I told you so" moment, for that is what sports are all about! 

Pick: Pittsburgh

NY Giants vs. Minnesota: why are breakfast sausages so small?  I guess it's because theoretically you wouldn't want to eat a foot long at 8:00 in the morning, but the thing is, you know you put at least 15 of those little guys on your plate, thus completely defeating the purpose of the smaller portion size. YOU KNOW YOU DO!  In MY America, all meat in tube form shall be uniform in size dammit!  Also, it would appear that the Vikings are legit, which is every bit as disappointing as tiny sausages. 

Pick: Minnesota

 

The Matt Saracen All-Star Team

Every week we will reward a player who channeled their inner QB1 and had the best fantasy football week. 

Week 3's Fantasy All-Star is Marvin Jones.  Sounds like the name of your mailman or something right?  Well guess what, he's a WR for Detroit and he had 200 yards and two TDs last week!  Mah Gawd!  Please feel free to jump on your fantasy football app and pick him up immediately, I'll wait right here...........back? Ok, good. You didn't get him because some jerk already beat you to it right?  There's always that dude in the league that hits the waiver wire three seconds after it activates and scoops the best player available.  They somehow still always finish out of the money too.  That person is the worst...and in EVERY league ever.

Week 1: AJ Green
Week 2: Cam Newton
Week 3: Marvin Jones

 

Suicide Squad Pick of the Week

Knock-out/Suicide pools are becoming quite popular these days, so each week I'll share with you my pick for the week....that will inevitably lose on a last second FG EVERY TIME. 

Week 1: Seattle

Week 2: Carolina

Week 3: Dallas

Week 4:  I don't feel good about this, but the CARDINALS are too good to lose to the Rams in Arizona.  If you hear this song pouring out of an open window on Capitol Hill this Sunday afternoon, you'll know I was right!