The END Zone: NFL Week 5 Preview

October 6, 2016

We are living in some very uncertain times, you guys.  A billionaire is currently trying to take over America, creepy clowns are being spotted wandering around the woods of this fair city, and good football teams are bad while bad football teams are good. Welcome to the upside down, I guess!

Has anyone seen Barb?

Arizona vs. San Francisco:  Speaking of good teams being bad, what is the deal with the Cardinals? And it's not because of some crazy injuries that depleted their roster, either. The milk, seemingly, has gone bad. Probably from all that extreme desert heat, you guys!  Now they face a must-win game and their QB might not even play due to a concussion. Speaking of their QB, Carson Palmer never looks like he's having fun. Ever. 

Pick: Arizona

Chicago vs. Indianapolis: Over the last 24 hours, I have consumed eight tacos at three separate meals. My friends, Tequila and Taco fest is three weeks away and I AM READY!  Consider me the Julio Jones of taco eating. I love tacos, probably too much, but whatever.  The amount of people that wished me a happy National Taco Day yesterday was equal parts flattering and concerning. You all know me so well.

 Pick: Indianapolis

Philadelphia vs. Detroit: The Eagles just had two weeks to sit and read about how good the Eagles are. That's a dangerous situation, as one of the worst things an athlete can do is feel themselves a bit too much. "Buying a ticket to your own show" is what I like to call it, and it leads to overconfidence and disaster. Luckily for Philly, they get to play the Lions.  How good would Matt Stafford be if he ever learned how to not throw killer interceptions at the worst times?  In his defense, every time drops back his life is in danger. 

Pick: Philadelphia

Houston vs Minnesota: HOT TAKE ALERT! I don't like corporate-approved/market researched "traditions" like the 12th man (literally bought from Texas A&M) or the new boom boom clap for the Vikings. That's a SOUNDERS thing, you jerks! (was not originated by the Sounders, but whatever!) I bet it's even sponsored.  "And now fans it's time for boom boom clap, sponsored by Deep Woods Off!" Get outta here with that. Much like my chicken and produce, I prefer my traditions to happen organically. 

Pick: Minnesota

Tennessee vs. Miami: Would you ask for a trade from a team because their uniforms sucked? I know I would. No way I could perform at my best when in the back of my mind I'd be thinking about how the entire country is watching me run around the field looking like a pumpkin spice football player. I could give no more than 75% effort dressed in this. Or this

Pick: Miami

NY Jets vs. Pittsburgh: Adding insult to injury, the Jets paid a lot of money for all those Fitzpatrick interceptions! As of now it's a $1.2 million INT price point. ECONOMICAL!

Pick: Pittsburgh

New England vs. Cleveland:  Tom Brady returns to the NFL this week and of course he gets to drop 400 yards on the lowly Cleveland Browns.  I pick on Cleveland A LOT, but I actually feel pretty bad for them this week. It's not fair to be so terrible and then have to be the sacrificial lamb delivered to Bill and Brady's alter. 

Pick: New England

Washington vs. Baltimore: 13 years ago I had a VERY bad encounter with brandy, the liquor, not the singer. Last weekend, for the first time since, I tried it again. I know science says different liquors don't give you different kinds of effects, but science is wrong. Brandy turns me into a monster. You know that guy that gets WAY too touchy feely and tells you how awesome you are over and over until you want to punch them in the face? That's me when I'm on the brown liquor. It's a real problem. Not quite sure why I decided to face the beast last weekend, but I did and I am happy to report that I didn't start any fights, have sex in any bathrooms, or throw up on any friends. I should also probably report that after my first sip, I told the lady friend I was with that no matter what I say from this point forward, DO NOT let me have more than two drinks. That's responsible partying, you guys.

Pick: Baltimore

Atlanta vs. Denver: Broncos fans have no chill and it's going to ruin their team if they aren't careful. Trevor Siemien was named the (sort of) surprise starter for the team and led them to a 3-0 start....and then he got hurt.  His replacement was highly touted rookie Paxton Lynch, who looked good for three quarters against a team that gives up 32 points per game.  Of course, now fans are wondering if Lynch should keep the job even when Siemien comes back. Careful with that, you have a good thing going, don't ruin it with a needless QB controversy.

Pick: Denver

Cincinnati vs. Dallas: HBO's new show, Westworld looks like its going to be amazing. Sci-fi + Westerns + Anthony Hopkins = YES. I also appreciate how they got the gratuitous nudity out of the way right in the first five minutes of the very first episode. HBO has always been good for that, which was so important back in the pre-internet days.  Back then people had to go to great lengths to see naked people, late night HBO "adult" programming being one of the major providers. It's funny how nudity is so shocking on TV while violence, specifically gun violence, is widely accepted. I wonder about our priorities sometimes. #BoobsNotBullets, start something with that.

Pick: Dallas

Buffalo vs. LA Rams: Two teams that are probably feeling themselves a little more than they should, right?  I mean, sure LA is 3-1 but they have the worst offense in the league and a dude who thinks dinosaurs are made up. Buffalo was a sinking ship until surprising (at the time) victories over Arizona and a quarterback-less New England.  The Rams might be sneakily not terrible, but I still think the Bills are trash.

Pick: LA Rams

San Diego vs. Oakland: Actual conversation had while watching this game last week with a Chargers fan.

"This is just the type of game that the Chargers like to lose, right?"

"Yup, I expect a fumble soon"

<Melvin Gordon immediately fumbles>

"Here we go."

"We can still hang on"

"Do you believe that?"

".........change the channel"

Pick: Oakland

NY Giants vs. Green Bay: Odell Beckham Jr. is losing it, you guys. Fighting with opponents, crying on the sidelines, getting karate chopped by a kicking net.  It's bad!  He's doing everything but catching passes really, and that is a major problem.  As I said last week, this is all due to his overstuffed offseason/rise in popularity. That's science, bruh! Too much time focusing on your Instagram account, not enough time focusing on running routes, bruh!  Gotta back it up, bruh!  Pressure is a weird thing, and some people just aren't cut out for it. Green Bay's cornerbacks are dealing with some knocks and the Giants own the Pack so if ever there was a breakout opportunity for ODB, this is it. If he doesn't go for a few TDs, cut your losses and trade him off your fantasy team immediately. 

Pick: Green Bay

Tampa Bay vs. Carolina: This clown thing has to stop immediately.  In case you haven't heard, there have been an insanely large amount of reported sightings of clowns creeping around cities all over America. I have no fear of clowns whatsoever, but I do have a fear of creeps, so this is concerning. Penn State (when was the last time they were in the news for anything good?) had near riots over clown sightings, a Puyallup school was shut down and had to make special note that it wasn't clown related (whut?!), and a school district in Connecticut has banned clown costumes for Halloween, as they are now symbols of terror. Are we living in a real life Batman movie right now?  Think about it, evil billionaires trying to topple our government while clowns terrorize our streets.  If Ben Affleck and Matt Damon (America's real-life dynamic duo) don't do something about this soon, I fear America as we know it is doomed. 

Pick: Carolina** unless Cam doesn't play.

The Matt Saracen All-Star Team

Every week we will reward a player who channeled their inner QB1 and had the best fantasy football week. 

Week 4's Fantasy All-Star is Julio Jones.  Mah Gawd he went off last week!  I played against him in Fantasy Football last week, so needless to say I was destroyed.  It was pretty nice in a way, though, because I didn't have to spend the entire afternoon sweating every five yard gain by my #2 RB.  I could just watch the games in peace. It kind of made me wish I got smoked more often <scours the waiver wire to make team better so it NEVER gets smoked again>. Fantasy football is a disease.

Week 1: AJ Green
Week 2: Cam Newton
Week 3: Marvin Jones
Week4: Julio Jones

Suicide Squad Pick of the Week

Knock-out/Suicide pools are becoming quite popular these days, so each week I'll share with you my pick for the week....that will inevitably lose on a last second FG EVERY TIME. 

Week 1: Seattle

Week 2: Carolina

Week 3: Dallas

Week 4:  Arizona - #RIP

Week 5: Arizona blew it against the Rams last week and I wish you were in my house to hear the string of cuss words I put together and lobbed at the TV as they pathetically tried to mount a game-winning drive. SO vulgar! Losing a suicide pool > losing in fantasy football > your team losing. This week take INDIANAPOLIS, and play this song at max volume after they eek out a win against the Bears.

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