The END Zone: NFL Week 6 Preview

October 12, 2016
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Donald Trump, possible President of the United States/probable human/carrot hybrid, found himself in some serious hot water after a tape from 2005 leaked of him saying truly awful things about women during a discussion with Billy Bush, America's newly crowned most disliked Bush.

Bush has since been taken off television while Trump continues to pursue the Presidency. Think about that for a second. Bragging about sexual assaulting a woman will get you fired from hosting a television show, but won't disqualify you from running for President. Concerning, to say the least. I'm surprised he hasn't turned it into a new political slogan. "Vote for me, I'll grab ISIS by the..."  Gross. 

Sorry to start this off with a political rant, and before anyone tries to complain that I'm another piece of trash liberal blah blah blah, let me be clear in saying I am not talking about this to get you to vote for Clinton or anything like that, I'm talking about this because I find it disgusting and it's been bothering me all week. 

Denver vs. San Diego: Boy that Paxton Lynch bandwagon cleared out faster than my living room does when Mookiedog farts didn't it?  The best part is I TOTALLY CALLED IT.  As a matter of fact, I TOTALLY CALLED IT regarding San Diego's inability to not completely choke too! Here's some hot statistic action for you, in the last 16 games the Chargers have played that were decided by eight or fewer points, they are 2-14.  That is bad. That is dog fart bad. 

Pick: Denver

Cleveland vs. Tennessee:  Shout outs to Browns reciever Andrew Hawkins for his "celebrating a TD by not celebrating a TD" performance last week.  I could watch that a thousand times. I might even pick the dude up for my fantasy football team. 

Pick: Tennessee

LA Rams vs. Detroit:  The Lions signed veteran RB Justin Forsett this week to get some depth in their depleted backfield (waits patiently while you pick him up in fantasy football). Whenever these guys get picked up off the street my first thought is always "He was a decent player three years ago, he's coming back to shock the world!" Like life is a Disney movie or something.  I would be a terrible GM.

"Mr. Manley, our starting QB is out with a shoulder, what should we do?"

"Get Josh Freeman on the phone!"

"Sir..."

"GET ME FREEMAN DAMMIT!"

HOLY CRAP THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED!!!

 Pick: LA Rams

San Francisco vs. Buffalo:  Colin Kaepernick starts this week. Oh boy, is the internet going to explode if he leads the lowly 49ers to a victory. I CAN'T WAIT!  Fox News will have video of him kneeling in victory formation on repeat for five days straight, or until one of our Presidential candidates does something stupid, whichever comes first (we know what's going to come first). I love a little chaos. This will be the first time I've ever cheered for SF. 

Pick: San Francisco

Cincinnati vs. New England:  The Red Sox were eliminated from the MLB playoffs earlier this week, which ended the career of Big Papi. I honestly don't know his real name, David Ortiz? Victor? Whatever. Anyways, with his retirement Tom Brady is now the clear and away most beloved active Boston athlete. He could start running for President right now and win Massachusetts. Guaranteed.  He would own the Sully demographic. 

Pick: New England

Pittsburgh vs. Miami: Hurricane Matthew hit the Florida hard last week. A dude in Nebraska had to send a pizza for his grandma  to make sure she was alright after he couldn't reach her following the storm. "Police and fire couldn't do it, but Papa John's got there in 30 minutes and put the cellphone to her ear."  Papa John's also has deep dish now!  What a time to be alive! Why anyone lives in Florida is beyond me. 

Pick: Pittsburgh

Carolina vs. New Orleans: This is basically a do or die game for both of these sucky teams. New Orleans is at home, so I lean towards them...but if Cam plays and is healthy then I am going to be wrong. Now that's how you play the fence, kids! 

Pick: New Orleans

Philadelphia vs. Washington:  The Eagles suffered a pretty disappointing loss last week against the Lions (really??) Almost as disappointing as THIS.  

Pick: Philadelphia

Baltimore vs. NY Giants:  The PlayStation VR headset was released this week and I feel like, while its cool for sure, its still not quite the VR we are looking for <waves hand, does the Jedi thing>.  Its like the Dreamcast. When that came out you knew we were taking a serious leap in gaming, but hadn't quite gotten all the way there yet. I can't wait until VR gaming is perfected though, boy is it going to be awesome. Imagine playing Madden through your favorite player's eyes, avoiding pass rushers and sofas on your way to the Super Bowl!  I will never leave my house.  

Pick: Baltimore

Jacksonville vs. Chicago: Blake Bortels doesn't get enough credit for dealing with those two-toned helmets the Jags wear. Quarterbacking is hard enough (you'll see once Madden VR comes out) without your teammates playing hide and seek on you. How I imagine his thought process every time he drops back....

"Hey, where the heck is everyone?"

<dodges pass rush, rolls left>

"Seriously, Allen Robinson is supposed to be running a button hook right there but all I see are <Robinson turns around>...OH THERE HE IS."

<Throws completion, Robinson tackled at the 1 yd line because he is on my fantasy team and I can't have nice things.>

Pick: Jacksonville

Kansas City vs. Oakland:  I was going to do a thing about the resurgence of Michael Crabtree and how he wears the thickest gold chain during games, which is gangster as hell, but then I found out Chiefs TE Travis Kelce has his own reality dating show. And ESPN does recaps of it. Sweet Christmas.  

Pick: Kansas City

Dallas vs. Green Bay:  In a perfect world, this would happen - The Packers demolish the Cowboys this week. Dak (real name Rayne Dakota. yikes) Prescott finally looks like a real rookie but doesn't play terrible enough to get everyone off of the bandwagon, which causes a QB controversy now that Romo is back and "healthy."  The locker room divides and the Cowboys are destroyed from the inside like the Death Star. The Cowboys are the Death Star is what I'm trying to say. In fact, I bet the true identity of Supreme Leader Snoke in the new Star Wars trilogy is going to be Jerry Jones. ITS POSSIBLE (its not)!!!! Help us A A Ron, you're our only hope.

Pick: Green Bay

Atlanta vs. Seattle:  Are you ready for all the severe weather we are supposed to have this weekend?  I broke out my fancy rain jacket this morning. You know, the one that you buy when you first move here because "it rains all the time in Seattle" except it doesn't? Yeah, that one. Two of the top teams in the NFC go at it in this week's best match up. Who wins the matchup between Richard Sherman and Julio Jones? Will Jimmy Graham go over 100 yards receiving for the third straight game?  Is Atlanta really real? We find out Sunday afternoon. Rain or shine.

Pick: Seattle

Indianapolis vs. Houston:  I went shopping yesterday for some new clothes and was shocked by how barren stores are these days when it comes to men's clothing.  I blame the internet for this. <immediately jumps on the internet to buy clothes, is part of the problem>

Pick: Indianapolis

NY Jets vs. Arizona:  My grandma can whistle exactly like a cardinal, so when I was little I would always beg her to go outside and call them to the backyard. It would work too, and I thought it was the coolest thing in the world.  She didn't, though, because she was terrified of birds.  Thinking back to that poor woman shaking in fear as her tower was buzzed by red birds while we laughed in the window really makes me realize how awesome she is, and how awful children are. Tiny jerks, all of them!  

Pick: Arizona

The Matt Saracen All-Star Team

Every week we will reward a player who channeled their inner QB1 and had the best fantasy football week. 

Week 5's Fantasy All-Star is Martellus Bennett.  No one benefited more from the return of Tom Brady more than Bennett. Six catches, three of them going for TDs! Plus he blessed us with this insane profile of him and his bro, Seahawks defensive stud Michael Bennett, on E:60!  Stay golden Martellus. 

Week 1: AJ Green
Week 2: Cam Newton
Week 3: Marvin Jones
Week4: Julio Jones
Week 5:  Martellus Bennett

 

Suicide Squad Pick of the Week

Knock-out/Suicide pools are becoming quite popular these days, so each week I'll share with you my pick for the week....that will inevitably lose on a last second FG EVERY TIME. 

Week 1: Seattle
Week 2: Carolina
Week 3: Dallas
Week 4:  Arizona - #RIP
Week 5: Indianapolis

Week 6: The sense of achievement you feel when the team you pick in your knockout pool is so disproportionate to how much thought actually goes in to making it.  I mean, find the best team that has the best matchup and off you go. It ain't rocket science, Einstein. The Pittsburgh Steelers are the OBVIOUS choice this week, and yet I will do the Tiger Woods fist pump while Big Ben takes a knee to seal the victory. SO dumb.

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