The END Zone: NFL Week 7 Preview

October 20, 2016

For the most part, I really enjoy living alone. No one leaving dirty dishes in my sink, no one killing the battery on my PS4 controller, and no one yelling at me to put pants on.  Pretty sweet gig.

The only real drawback is the cooking situation. This week I made tacos, which are awesome. I love tacos, let's be clear on this point. The thing is, I don't love tacos for every meal for four days because I made so dang many! Grocery stores need to sell smaller portions of everything. There needs to be a reverse Costco. A place where single people can get 10 strips of bacon instead of 4.5 pounds of maple glazed thick cut...mmmmmmmmmmm bacon.  Sorry, where was I.

OH YES, smaller portions. Call them lonely size, I don't care. I would rather live with that shame than with the extra five pounds I put on this week from eating 17 tacos in three days. When I'm President this will be the first thing I do. Then I'll bomb the Russians. Vote for me, you could clearly do worse.


Chicago vs. Green Bay: Reputable sports writers/people that actually get paid to pay attention to sports will tell you the big problem with The Packers is the shocking play of Aaron Rodgers. Sure, he's messed up and something is clearly wrong with #12, but the REAL problem with Green Bay this year is this commercial

Their blatant disregard for the rules has clearly angered the Football Gods. Clay Matthews should be down by contact at the spot of the recovery, plus he would be flagged 15 yards for taking his helmet off. NOT the best. I demand accuracy when it comes to sports-related advertising! This infuriates me every time I see it.

Pick: Green Bay

NY Giants vs. LA Rams: I was feeling pretty bad for Odell Beckham Jr. after the entire world started picking on him for starting so poorly and acting like an idiot, but after he ended his one big game this season by proposing to the kicking net, I look forward to his inevitable season-ending injury. Care more about wins than Twitter followers, tool. 

Pick: Rams

New Orleans vs Kansas City:  Things really heated up on Catching Kelce this week (It's a dating show, starring Travis Kelce, starting TE for Chiefs, and it is terrible)!  First Travis went to the girls' mansion and had a bbq, then went on a group date. The group date was a workout (really.)  Afterwards, he kissed one of the girls, to the chagrin of the rest. Drama happened, because TV dating show. Jenny was eliminated. The E! network is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse if you ask me. 

Pick: Kansas City

Minnesota vs. Philadelphia:  Sam Bradford returns to Philly after being traded to make room for Carson Wentz. Juicy game with a bunch of killer subplots. Chris Berman is going to slobber all over this one during the pregame show. To make that less insufferable, drink every time he mentions a retired player (two guaranteed) or makes a reference to something that hasn't been relevant culturally since the 80s.  Drink twice if his in studio cronies laugh at it. Tom Jackson made a career out of that. The worst. 

Pick: Minnesota

Washington vs. Detroit:  Does Detroit have a real rivalry with anyone?  Washington has Dallas, Green Bay has Chicago, does any other team in the NFL care when they play The Lions? I say no. 

Pick: Washington

Cleveland vs. Cincinnati:  It's Thankskgiving unis vs. Halloween unis, you guys!  

Pick: Cincinnati

Oakland vs. Jacksonville:  The new teaser for Guardians of the Galaxy 2 came out earlier this week and it looks pretty cool!  We live in a world where there are now trailers for trailers, though, and I'm not sure that's OK. 

Pick: Oakland

Indianapolis vs. Tennessee:  White helmets vs. white helmets. These are the white helmets you should be cheering for. Seriously, read about these White Helmets.

Pick: Tennessee

Baltimore vs. NY Jets:  Geno Smith gets a chance to play QB for the Jets this week because Ryan Fitzpatrick's arm is tired from throwing so many interceptions, I guess? You remember Geno Smith right? The dude who got his jaw broken after a teammate punched it? Sounds like a real leader. 

Pick: Baltimore

Buffalo vs. Miami:  Bills fans tailgate the hardest, you guys.  Not saying the best, just saying the hardest.  Check this out.  And this. And this. I could go on. Seriously, there are about 6,000 videos of Bills fans being idiots on YouTube.

Pick: Buffalo

San Diego vs. Atlanta:  I get overly satisfied when I sit through the countdown on a website instead of taking a survey that will get me there sooner.  Nice try, Big Marketing, but you aren't getting my opinions.  I WILL WAIT 30 MORE SECONDS BEFORE WATCHING "CATCHING KELCE!" Yelling that at your computer really shows them. 

Pick: Atlanta

Tampa Bay vs. San Francisco:  Lost in the shuffle of all the off-the-field madness is the fact that Colin Kaepernick has become a horrible quarterback.  

Pick: Tampa Bay

New England vs. Pittsburgh:  Oh sure, we finally get to see Tom Brady go up against some real competition and what happens? Big Ben goes down with a knee and has to miss a few weeks. I have no doubt it was a hit job by the Patriots, in retaliation for the Brady suspension.  The gloves are off, friends, New England will do anything to win, including sniping opposing quarterbacks. 

Pick: New England

Seattle vs. Arizona:  Listen, it was a pass interference. It wasn't called. And that's OK. 

Pick: Seattle

Houston vs. Denver:  Over/under on cuts to John Elway after an errant Brock Osweiler throw: 100.  He's going to have more camera time than he did during the last Super Bowl he started. Also, the Broncos want to kill Osweiler. That sounds bad.

Pick: Denver


The Matt Saracen All-Star Team

Every week we will reward a player who channeled their inner QB1 and had the best fantasy football week. 

Week 6's Fantasy All-Star is Jay Ajayi, who ran for two bucks and two TDs last weekend!  Who the hell is Jay Ajayi? I don't know either, but some jerk in my fantasy league did so he is already owned, which is infuriating.   

Week 1: AJ Green
Week 2: Cam Newton
Week 3: Marvin Jones
Week 4: Julio Jones
Week 5: Martellus Bennett
Week 6: Jay Ajayi

Suicide Squad Pick of the Week

Knock-out/Suicide pools are becoming quite popular these days, so each week I'll share with you my pick for the week....that will inevitably lose on a last second FG EVERY TIME. 

Week 1: Seattle
Week 2: Carolina
Week 3: Dallas
Week 4:  Arizona - #RIP
Week 5: Indianapolis
Week 6: Pittsburgh - #RIP

Week 7: The Bengals face a must win game vs a terrible team at home. It's never easy to back Andy Dalton, but here we go. Pick CINCINNATI

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