NFL Week 13 Preview:Thanksgiving MVP

November 29, 2018

I introduced green bean casserole to an entire family over Thanksgiving and let me tell you, I feel like a real life superhero.  It felt really good to contribute to a celebration and not just be the dude who ate all the white meat. Look for me in Avengers 4, you guys!  


New Orleans vs Dallas-  When I was in 5th grade I had a teacher who loved the New Orleans Saints, and sandwiches from Lee's Deli (THE place to grab subs in my hometown.)  He couldn't say the word "oil," it always came out "orl" and its weird that I can remember something as random as that, but not where I put my car keys literally 20 minutes ago. 

Arizona vs Green Bay- Word out of Green Bay is that Aaron Rodgers is going to punch in a cheat code this week and go crazy the rest of the season to lead the Packers to the playoffs.  That sound you just heard was me rolling my eyes...AND IM A PACKERS FAN.  

Chicago vs NY Giants-  I immediately regret picking the Giants to win this game.  

Carolina vs Tampa Bay-  If you had a month to practice, how many passes do you think you could complete in one NFL game?  I bet I could get a few swing passes off but absolutely zero completions across the line of scrimmage.  If you think any differently, congratulations you are playing yourself. 

Baltimore vs Atlanta- Hey look at this, its a bird bowl!  Im rooting for the ones from ATL, because I like Outkast.

LA Rams vs Detroit-  The Rams could score 100 pts this week! 

Cleveland vs Houston- The Browns had no chill towards Hugh Jackson last weekend when they beat the Bengals. I appreciate that. Anyone who lost 500 games and then defected to the innerstate rival deserves all the shade. 

Denver vs Cincinnati-  Kudos to the Broncos for using their retro logo but with the updated, darker blue helmet.  It looks sick and I hope the universe rewards them with wins the rest of the season.  Of coruse, its 2018 and its been made VERY clear that the universe is a cold, dark place.

Buffalo vs Miami- YES!  Another white helmet game! And if you think I'm just making a big deal out of nothing with this whole "its hard to differentiate teams when everyone is wearing white, thus leading to more turnovers" theory, last week when the Dolphins played the Colts, there were 3 turnovers IN CONSECUTIVE PLAYS.  I hope Dan Marino throws 18 interceptions this week...or whoever is the Fins' quarterback these days. 

Indianapolis vs Jacksonville-  We live in a world where all takes are hot and all analysis is instant.  I feel at some point that is going to get us all in trouble, like World War 3 is going to start because someone misread a tweet and decided to start lobbing nukes everywhere.  I bring it up because it seems like just yesterday that Andrew Luck was washed and Jacksonville was a dynasty in waiting, and today its basically the complete opposite. 

NY Jets vs Tennessee- Are the Titans a forever 8-8 team?  I feel like they are a never good but never bad team.  That would be super frustrating.

Kansas City vs Oakland-  When do we get our first head coach hire based on their Madden franchise success?  I only ask because I took the Arizona Cardinals to 3 super bowls back in the Jake Plummer days and feel at least half as qualified as John Gruden to run a team at this point. Man, I miss playing football videogames and building dynasties out of garbage teams.  

Minnesota vs New England-  Venmo is now charging 1% of your transaction total as a fee.  How dare they charge me money for their service!  This aggression will not stand!  I'm going back to checks! <never goes back to checks>

San Francisco vs Seattle-  Richard Sherman returns to Seattle for the first time as a member of the opposing team. It should be emotional, it should be interesting, and the Seahawks should absolutely dismantle his new team.  Hawks are on a roll and all of a sudden look like they could make some playoff noise. 

LA Chargers vs Pittsburgh-  This just seems like one of those games where The Chargers take a big L and remind us all to never have confidence in them. 

Washington vs Philadelphia- Dwight Howard plays basketball for the other non racist named team in DC and he is out for the next few months with surgery on his butt.  How funny would that look on the official injury report?  Howard DNP- booty.