NFL Week 4 Preview: That's a flag!

September 27, 2018

Before we begin, I want to acknowledge that the only thing more annoying than complaining about your fantasy football players is complaining about the refs.  That said, I AM GOING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT THE REFS.  Seriously, what the hell is going on this year with the roughing the passer penalties? Just put flags on the quarterbacks at this point and get it over with.  We are only through 3 weeks of football and there is already a 6 minute highlight reel on Youtube of all the garbage calls so far this year.  What's worse is listening to these NFL company men/announcers try to rationalize the calls. 

"Well you see Jim, the way he falls there, its on top of the quarterback and you just can't do that."

"But gravity?"


Listen, I know what I saw, and every single hit in that video is completely legal. And before you call me a crybaby because its affected my team multiple times so far, just wait, its coming for your team too.  If Clay Matthews gets flagged again this week he's going to snap and murder a ref, you watch.  The blood will be on Roger Goodell's hands. I met Goodell once, he looked right through me.  I've never forgiven him for that. 


Minnesota at LA Rams- Is the Vikings' stadium still killing birds?  Seriously, this is a thing!  When the avian uprising happens and sparrows are coming for your eyes, you know who to blame. 

Miami at New England- I don't want to live in a world where Ryan Tannehill is good (Miami has won 10 out of the last 11 games where he was healthy and under center.)  I DO want to live in a world where the Patriots finally implode and turn to hot garbage.  

Houston at Indianapolis- Houston is about to open a robot sex brothel. Would you consider it cheating if your significant other banged a robot?  

NY Jets at Jacksonville- Cities that end in "ville" sound so quaint don't they?  Like, I've never been to Jacksonville, but I imagine it as being this sleepy little town with one of those Main Street USA vibes.  Of course its in Florida, so I also imagine that its filled with cannibal meth heads and alligators that have acquired a taste for blood.  I'm going for spring break 19!

Cincinnati at Atlanta- The Falcons won an exciting shoot out last weekend against the Saints.  One of those wins where you immediately think "Ooooh the Falcons are back and looking dangerous!"  And then you pick them to win the next week and they get smoked by the Bengals.  Mark it down. 

Philadelphia at Tennessee-  The Philadelphia hockey team unveiled their new mascot this year...

GAH!!!! Kill it!  Kill it with fire!!!  Leave it to Philly to enlist the services of the Babadook to cheer on their hockey team.  I can't wait for all the gifs of kids crying in terror at the sight of Gritty.  That's right....its name is Gritty, because of course it is. 

Buffalo at Green Bay- One more thing about this roughing the passer nonsense.  I don't understand how we expect a bunch of old refs to properly enforce this rule with the speed and size of today's athletes.  Throw these things up to the booth and let them buzz down if they see something inappropriate.  Boom, problem solved.  Someone make me commissioner. 

Detroit at Dallas- Dunkin Donuts is dropping the "Donuts" from its name as part of a rebrand.  I like that someone hired an advertising firm, and in that ad firm there was a man, and that man thought of this dumb idea, and when this man thought this bad idea he invisioned himself as a modern day Don Draper, and when he invisioned himself as Don Draper, he lit up a smoke and took a tug of Jameson, and when he lit up a smoke and took a tug of Jameson he was fired for smoking and drinking in the office. Its Dunkin Donuts, get off my lawn. 

Tampa Bay at Chicago- The entire controversy over whether or not Fitzmagic should still start after the return of Jameis Winston will be laid to rest this weekend after Khalil Mack sacks him into retirement.  This will result in a penalty, I assure you.  

Seattle at Arizona- Trade Earl Thomas for Le'Veon Bell.  Someone make me GM immediately.  

Cleveland at Oakland- Fall is here, which means pumpkin spice everything has returned.  I am for it. So far I've had two different pumpkin spice beers, pumpkin spice kringle, and a dozen pumpkin spiced things from coffee shops.  What a time to be alive!  

New Orleans at NY Giants- Will Smith celebrated his birthday by bungee jumping out of a helicopter over the Grand Canyon, making my birthday plan of eating a good steak seem quite underwhelming.  Thanks a lot, Will. 

San Francisco at LA Chargers- Tough break for the Niners, as their QB of the future Janine Garoppolo looks to be out for the season. Hmm, who could they get to replace him?  If only there was someone out there familiar with the organization and popular with the kids. wouldn't that crazy.....or is it crazy enough?  

Baltimore at Pittsburgh- I don't know about you, but I am thoroughly enjoying the implosion of the Pittsburgh Steelers.  

Kansas City at Denver- Still cracks me up...


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