NFL Week 6 Preview: 'Ello Guv'nah!

October 11, 2018
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The Seahawks play The Raiders this week in London!  What a great excuse to wake up early, eat some baked beans for breakfast (still weird) and say things like "guvnah!" and "cheerio!" all day until you pass out from too many Boddingtons. Like REAL Brits! Except the NFL idiots moved the game to the 1p timeslot and ruined everything. Guess you're still stuck watching soccer at 7am instead with your buddy Ted, who calls "soccer" "football" and tries to convince you that tie games are cool (go back to Cleveland, TED!) Like REAL Brits! Can they do nothing right? I love London. My sister used to live there so I've had the good fortune to be able to spend some time "across the pond" (another GREAT phrase!) and I encourage you to do the same. Its the weather of Seattle with the vibe of New York.  One time I went to this place called "The Church" which was...well...a church turned into a dance club. It was only open on Sundays from 10-3p, the only thing they served were tall boys of beer which had to be ordered in twos.  After the party ended, you were shuffled off on buses that took you to other bars in the neighborhood. I did beer bongs with Wimbledon ball boys and had a most excellent schwarma. It was all very disorienting and amazing and it has turned me in to that dick friend who always has the one up "I had the best time ever" story.  

Philadelphia vs NY Giants- I saw someone walking down the street today in a Giants jersey. Seeing NFL jerseys without the pants and helmets and roided up 250 lb humans crammed in them really highlights just how awful the majority of them are.  

Chicago vs Miami- The Dolphins have lost their last two games and now everyone is jumping off the bandwagon.  But not me, I love zigging when everyone else is zagging.  Its why I own an Android. 

Arizona vs Minnesota- an 8 year old Swedish-American girl pulled an ancient pre-Viking era sword from the depths of a lake in Sweden. Bow your heads to your new queen you sniveling dogs! I will fight for her until my last breath. 

Tampa Bay vs Atlanta- Jameis Winston is back under center for the Bucs, replacing the best feel good story of the NFL's early season, FITZMAGIC! They must pay for this, and I hope the Falcons drop 49 pts on them. And they may have to if they want to win. Atlanta has given up 30+ in 3 of their 4 games so far this year.  

Carolina vs Washington- JB Smoove did a commerical with Christian McCaffrey and it is hilarious!

Not sure what they are advertising, but who cares?  JB Smoove should replace Jason Whitten on broadcasts immediately!

Pittsburgh vs Cincinnati - I watched Sicario for the first time earlier this week.  Gritty, intense, build a wall propoganda, this movie had it all! Thing is, it somehow gave me nightmares!  I KNOW!!!  What's happened to me?  I've gone soft! Next thing you'll know I'll be meditating and drinking teas and stuff. How embarrassing! Its a real disappointment, when something thats always been relatively tough and strong turns into a sissy pile of yogurt, greek yogurt.  That's me now, and the Steelers.

LA Chargers vs Cleveland

Buffalo vs Houston - On a scale of 1-10, how much better would the Texans be with someone other than Bill O'Brien coaching them?  I say 6. They would be 6 better without BO'B. 

Indianapolis vs NY Jets- White helmet game with a rookie quarterback!!!! Oh, get ready for a festival of turnovers!  

Seattle vs Oakland- Do you really trust the Raiders to behave themselves, stay focused, and handle business in a game in London?  NOPE! 

LA Rams vs Denver- If you drafted only Rams on your fantasy football team, you would probably be undefeated.

Baltimore vs Tennessee- Joe Flacco's wife is mad at him for being bad at playing WR.  Joe Flacco is a QB. I dunno. 

Jacksonville vs Dallas- 

Kansas City vs New England- This feels like its set up to be a Chefs blow out just so the networks can get tons of B roll footage to play come playoff time when the Pats return the favor in the playoffs. It will be annoying.  "A Kansas City team that went in to New England in October and won by 24 now find themselves trailing and facing elimination." "Its the Patriot way, Jim." <throws up 2 months in advance>

San Francisco vs Green Bay- Last week I wrote "(Green Bay) has been mediocre at best thus far, so every week I have to go into it with the uncertainty of what to expect. Every week is 3 hours of aggrivation followed by either fury or uneasy relief.  Never joy."  The Packers are wasting Aaron Rodgers, who is 100% not cool with the offense or the playcalling.  Its a real shame. 

Last Week's record- 9-6

Overall record- 46-30-2