NFL Week 8 Preview: These Picks Are Haunted

October 23, 2018

Halloween is upon us once again, and once again I have failed in my mission to visit a "real" haunted house.  Maybe one of these years I won't wait until October 25th to start looking at potential sites? DOUBTFUL. You ever been to one? I remember once when I was in high school a friend and I went on the hunt for an allegedly haunted house inside a graveyard tucked away off some country road in the middle of nowhere Wisconsin. It did not disappoint.  Late one night, after driving up and down nearly every road in a 10 mile radius of where this place was supposed to be, we stopped at a 7-11 to ask for directions, hoping that the clerk could help us out.  He wouldn't tell us exactly where it was, but he made sure to let us know that he knew what we were looking for, and we were close.  Of course that only got us more excited, so we headed back out, determined to find this place and proof once and for all that ghosts exhisted.  The moon was full and a layer of fog blanketed the countryside as we made our way back through the maze of gravel roads.  After another hour or so of looking for this hidden haunted cemetery with no luck, we decided that it was time to head home.  As we made our way back towards civilization we noticed one last road that we hadn't been down yet.  Anticipation mounted, and as we rounded the corner, my friend who was driving let out an "oh sh#t!" as he lost control of the car. At that exact moment the cemetary we had been hunting for announced its presence by a gigantic Jesus on the statue silhouetted by the moonlight! Friends, between the car jerk and the sight of a gigantic crucifix in the middle of nowhere, I let out a scream which can only be described as somewhere between blood curling cry for help and an un-autotuned Cher.  Its a miracle I didn't wet my pants from fear. Its a miracle my friend didn't wet his pants from laughter. In the end we never did make it in the house, as there was a police car parked outside with specific instructions to ticket any and all trespassers, but we didn't need to.  We had been sufficiently spooked and left with a story that would be retold for years to come. The thing that still sticks with me though is, as we left for home, I turned back to get one last look at that creepy house and that scary graveyard statue and when I did.....IT WAS GONE!  

Miami vs Houston-  I respect the Dolphins for using a team nickname that is representative of their city. Unlike the Bengals of Cincinnati or the Lions of Detroit. 

Philadelphia vs Jacksonville- The Jaguars are on a losing streak so they've called a team meeting. Players only! If I were on an NFL team and we needed a good kick in the pants, I'd hire someone like Al Pacino to come in and give the Any Given Sunday speech.  You mean to tell me that wouldn't get you up to smash the Eagles?  Certainly more than a few emotional bars from the damn punter, I'll tell you that.  These dudes are millionaires, I bet they could pull enough money together to make that happen. And if they couldn't get Pacino money, I bet they could get Kyle Chandler to swing in and drop a "Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can't Lose" right before they hit the tunnel.  I could throw 3 touchdowns against NFL competition right now just thinking about it. 

Cleveland vs Pittsburgh- Between the two teams there are 4 helmet sides with only1 decal.  Weird. Thanks for coming to my TED talk. Also, as always, we root against Pittsburgh until they free Le'Veon Bell....for fantasy football purposes. 

Denver vs Kansas City-  Did you know that Patrick Mahomes' dad is a former MLB pitcher? Its true!  I know everyone says that all they want is for their kids to grow up to be better than they were, but deep down inside I bet there's a part of Pat Mahomes (dad) thats salty he is no longer the best athlete in the family.  

Washington vs NY Giants- I can't believe the Giants traded Eli!  Its about time the franchise moved on from their flawed, aging quarte <checks notes>  Oops. Wrong Eli.  Nevermind. 

NY Jets vs Chicago- I'm in one of those suicide pools where you pick one team a week to win and you keep going until you lose.  The catch is you can only choose each team one time only, which is why this week I think I might have to pick the Bears.  I KNOW!  I don't trust them either, but sometimes you have to live dangerously, you guys.  Like that time you hit up White Castle at 3 am on your way back to the hotel last time you were in Vegas. 

Tampa Bay vs Cincinnati- Cincinnati feels like a word that should have more double letters than just the one "nn," amirite?  In my mind its Cinncinnatttttttttteeeee and as far as I'm concerned, once I become President that will be first order of business.  

Baltimore vs Carolina- When I was in preschool, firefighters came to our school to teach us some fire safety.  I vividly remember being asked in front of the class what I should do if I was on fire, to which I replied "jump in the water."  The firefighter had to ask me at least 3 times until I said "stop, drop, and roll."  And even then I only said it to get the guy off my back.  Listen, I'm not saying "stop, drop, and roll" wasn't the correct answer, I'm just saying that "jump in the water" wasn't the WRONG answer.  How I remember something that happened 30 years ago but couldn't tell you who I picked in the Denver/KC game (scrolls up) 7 sentences ago is crazy. 

Seattle vs Detroit-  Did you know that statistically speaking, the Hawks have the 5th best pass blocking tackles in the NFL?  Do you believe that?  Is that what your eyes see every weekend while Russell Wilson is running around for his life in the backfield? The front office should conveniently slip this information to some dingus "numbers guy" on a different team and then trade them Ifedi for way more than he is worth immediately.  This is really just another example of people coming up with statistics to prove anything. 14% of all people know that. 

Indianapolis vs Oakland- The Raiders are so bad that they made their quarterback cry.  No seriously, Derek Carr cried (probably) on the field last week after hurting his arm.  Funny how we spend so much time ripping the NFL for its insensitivity and barbaric culture, then turn around and laugh when one of our rivals gets a boo boo.  

Green Bay vs LA Rams-  The Rams should have to give the opposing team 4 points everytime they wear those godawful all yellow uniforms.  The thing is, even if they did give most teams 4 points, they would probably still win.  I hope they win the Super Bowl and relocate to Oakland or somewhere because no one in LA came to the games. 

San Francisco vs Arizona- If you took the best players from both of these teams to make one squad, they would still only win 7 games. 

New Orleans vs Minnesota-  Last week I went against the Saints because "a good defense beats a good offense" and would've won if it wasn't for you stupid kids....I mean kicker.  I'm going to use that rationale again here and yes, I will swear loudly when they win by 1 again. 

New England vs Buffalo- If Buffalo actually pulls this off could someone please call and let me know?  Because I will 100% not be watching this garbage game. 


Last week's record- 11-3

Season record- 66-39-2