NFL Week 9: Make Halloween Great Again

November 1, 2018
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Happy Halloween friends!  I hope you are enjoying this blog with a full sized Snickers stolen successfully from your kid's candy stash. I find Snickers pairs best with red hot football takes personally. I miss trick or treating and think that its a crime against humanity that we collectively decided to limit the activity to children.  Why are we denying EVERYONE the right to have fun?  Seems to me everyone should have the right to dress up in their favorite costume and roam the streets looking for some delicious candy. Furthermore, what a great way to bond with your community!  I've lived in the same apartment on Captiol Hill for 5 years and couldn't even tell you the name of anyone on my floor, how things would be different if once a year we all opened our doors to eachother, exchanging hellos for chocolate.  Midterms are in a week, I need to know exactly where each candidate stands on ageless trick or treating!  Make Halloween Great Again!  MHGA!!!  That we limit this to a bunch of snotty nosed toddlers who don't even care what they get as long as its packed with sugar is ridiculous. Those little savages.

 

Oakland vs San Francisco-  The Niners quarterback (too lazy to google his name)  is 50/50 for this week's game, if he plays they will win, but if he doesn't....

Tampa Bay vs Carolina- FITZMAGIC IS BACK, BABAY!!!! 

Atlanta vs Washington- Do you want to live in a world where the Washington racial slurs are 5-2?  I know I don't.  

Detroit vs Minnesota- I appreciate the NFL trying to make the trade deadline a spectacle like it is in the NBA and MLB, but really, when Golden Tate is the biggest name that gets moved, you can keep it.

Chicago vs Buffalo- I am in one of those survival pools where you pick one team a week to win and if they lose you are eliminated. I've already used the Bears once this season and I wish I could use them again.  Are we living in the upside down?

NY Jets vs Miami- If Miami isn't going to go back to their old throwback happy dolphin logo and uniforms, I think they should go full Miami and incorporate some neon immediately.  

Kansas City vs Cleveland- Hue Jackson was fired earlier this week from his duties as head coach of the Browns.  He leaves with a 3-36-1 record. THE WORST EVER!  Imagine being that bad at your job and somehow still getting a paycheck for 2 1/2 years!  Hey Cleveland, I've won multiple Super Bowls in the franchise mode of Madden on PS4, I can get you 3 wins over the next 2 years and would do it for HALF the salary of whatever you were giving Jackson. My agent is standing by...

Pittsburgh vs Baltimore- Get ready for endless pregame "these two teams hate eachother bla bla bla going to be a war bla bla bla" takes on this game.  

Houston vs Denver- I keep getting a sponsor ad on my Facebook page about investing in some sort of marijuana stock. The tagline is "investing right now could be like buying Amazon stock at $3.19!"  A few things here...

     1) I desperately want this to be true, because I would love nothing more than to get insanely rich off a FB scam and go to one of those rich people parties where I would explain to everyone that I made my money off social media.  Buffy would absolutely spit out here champagne.  Then I'd challenge the crustiest old eliteist to a game of golf for all the marbles and then I'd be living the plot to Caddyshack. Could be worse. 

     2) THEY MISSED THE PERFECT OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE A 420 JOKE AND FOR THAT THEY MUST BE BLOCKED.  "investing now could be like buying Amazon for $4.20."  COME ON!!!  You have to do better if you want my money.

LA Chargers vs Seattle-  Pete Carrol called for a fake punt in the waning minutes of last weeki's game, inside the 10, nursing a 14 point lead. Listen, I know it worked and that's awesome and Michael Dickson is officially a legend (and a MEME!) but what a crazy decision!  Had it not worked, you would be giving a team in desperate need of time and points the easiest opportunity to get 7 on the board in a matter of seconds.  There's a fine line between being a genius and a moron. Jussayin.

LA Rams vs New Orleans- Save your best Halloween candy to enjoy during this game, because its going to be a doozy!  

Green Bay vs New England-  The Packers traded away Ty Montgommery, who stupidly tried returning a kickoff with 2 minutes left in the game instead of taking a knee and giving Aaron Rodgers the opportunity to lead his team to victory.  I apprecaite this form of NFL street justice.  

Tennessee vs Dallas-  Don't you hate when you Google something and it doesn't give you exactly what you are looking for?  I don't understand that.  You are clearly spying on me via my phone 24/7, how about you put all of my harvested information and patterns together to build an algorythm that knows me better than I know myself instead of just selling all of it to the highest bidder?  

<recieves push notification>

"We don't spy on you, Human #28697237856"

<throws phone>

 

Last Week's Record:

12-2-0

Overall Record:

78-41-2