The problem with your hatred of pumpkin spice

September 1, 2017

It's pumpkin spice season, you guys, and it is the best!

Pumpkin scones, pumpkin stews, and of course pumpkin spice lattes. Last night I had my first sip of Elysian's fantastic pumpkin beer, Night Owl, and when I woke up this morning you know the first thing I did was brush my teeth and put some dang pants on...but the second thing I did was go get my first PSL of the season. After that, I headed out to work to enjoy Pumpkin Spice Day, or so I thought. When I arrived, I was greeted with a tweet from Brandenfromtheinternet (our internet guy duh) about how much pumpkin spice sucks.  Would I take it sitting down? Would I let it roll off my back like so many stupid tweets before it?  

HELL NO. Not going to be able to do it! I'm sick of the Pumpkin Spice backlash and will NOT allow anyone to shame this delicious spice sent from the heavens to make the gray season somewhat tolerable.  Below is the anti- umpkin article in its original form, with my commentary in bold.  Read it for yourself, and hopefully by the end, you will be about that PSL action too, boss. 

I'll be straight up with you. I hate pumpkin-flavored things (coming out swinging). I don't like pumpkin pie (well then). Hell, I barely like carving pumpkins (someone clearly was a blast at Halloween parties)

Although I don't like pumpkins, I still don't like to spoil it for people who like things that I don't (I mean, but I will). What kind of person goes around saying you're wrong for enjoying things (except for my friend who doesn't like chocolate. C'mon, Ryan...)? (so can hate on whatever you want, but "Ryan" is a monster for being anti-chocolate? hmm. ok.)

Now you know I'm not trying to call you out for your love of the large orange squash (JK I am), we can get to the issue at hand. 

Have we gone too far with Pumpkin Spice? (HELL NO)

First of all, Pumpkin Spice sounds like the sixth member of the Spice Girls (They'd be 587x better if that were the case), played by that girl from Flavor of Love, Pumkin (yes, that's how she spelled it) (because that's how you spell it...wait)

Look, I'm down with your occasional "PSL" run (but you literally just told us you weren't?). I'll add some peppermint schnapps to my hot chocolate during the holidays when I want to feel festive (Look out kids, Uncle Brandenfromtheinternet is on the schnapps again! Remember how he gets a little handsy) . I (don't) get it.

But yesterday, I walked into the grocery store and I couldn't believe what was in front of me (asparagus for less than $47 per lb at Whole Foods?). There were pumpkin spice Oreos (mah gawd), pumpkin granola (healthy), pumpkin Cheerios (who doesn't like Cheerios?), pumpkin yogurt (Greeks love pumpkin!) , even the sample was some version of pumpkin-flavored tomato soup (inception!). I wouldn't be surprised if I walked out and saw Trader Joes had changed its name to Pumpkin Joes and someone in a pumpkin costume punched me in the face and yelled "HAPPY FALL, LOSER!" (You would deserve it for all this anti pumpkin propaganda, honestly.)

Everything is a pumpkin. (so you hate everything?)

I walked up the register and asked if that's all people wanted and the cashier responded, "We have pumpkin spice pumpkin seeds if you want some? (10/10 would recommend)" To which I replied, "If you plant those does a teenage girl wearing Uggs and yoga pants (Basic pumpkin is basic) grow out of the ground to tell you her favorite things about autumn?" (the color of the leaves, the crisp morning air, FOOTBALL, sweater weather, curling up with your boo boo on a cold evening. Fall rules, brosef)

He didn't get it (none of us do) , but the point is that if you don't like pumpkin, you might as well hibernate through the winter because there is no escaping it (shorter lines at the coffee shop. FINALLY a good idea)

This is practically (practically= made up) a daily conversation I'll have during the fall:

PERSON: "Hey Branden, try my [pumpkin-flavored normal food]"
ME: "That's very nice of you to offer, but I really don't like pumpkin-flavored things."

PERSON: "Oh I promise that this thing doesn't really taste like pumpkin."  (I mean, even though you just said it was a pumpkin flavored whatever? Confused)

ME: "Trust me, I don't want to waste it. Offer it to someone else." (Lies, NO ONE turns down free food at the office. Especially at a radio station.  I've eaten all kinds of godawful things simply because they were given to me for free. ARE YOU ABOVE LOOKING A GIFT HORSE IN THE MOUTH YOU MONSTER?)
ME, while trying the pumpkin-flavored item and hating it:  "I'm going to go barf now, bye!" (Does your momfromtheinternet know about your awful manners?)

What started as a simple (magical) combination of spices to make a crappy (delicious) pie has turned into a gazillion-dollar industry that ruins (Brandenfromtheinternet's) friendships and demands grocery stores cooperate or go out of business (ITS A CONSPIRACY. YOU WILL BOW TO BIG PUMPKIN OR ELSE) (this assumption based on my complete lack of understanding of how grocery stores work) (And yet here we are, berating grocery stores despite having no idea of how they work).

When will it stop? (The day after Thanksgiving)  When will pumpkin spice simply fade into the background (the day after Thanksgiving dammit!), much like peppermint does during the holidays? (YES. literally exactly like peppermint!) See, peppermint is a subtle, yet distinguished, flavor that doesn't need you to constantly tell it that it's pretty in order to feel good about itself. 

Tell me, have we gone too far? (NO!) Will we ever reach a breaking point or is Earth just a vessel hurtling through space and time with the sole purpose of promoting the gospel of pumpkin spice until the rivers run orange and we live in a world of perpetual fall (Climate change is a hoax bro, relax)?

I guess we'll see (I doubt it), but probably not anytime soon (definitely not anytime soon, ya dingus.)

Disagree? Send me your pumpkin-spiced hot takes on Twitter. (His handle is @BrandenMG)

Seriously, though, pumpkin spice is a wonderful flavor that should be celebrated for the seasonal treat that it is!  Do we NEED pumpkin spice everything? Of course not, but we don't exactly NEED tacos either.  What's next, an anti-taco campaign? NOT ON MY WATCH, YOU GUYS!  

<takes a deep breath>

<composes self>

<takes a sip of PSL>

<yells as loud as possible>