#sEATtle: Dishwasher Pods

January 19, 2018
Categories: 

I like to eat. A lot. Food is bae. Therefore, I figured I would post reviews of the places I go to give you a little insight and maybe some ideas on where you might want to nom with your friends or special someones. Plus, it gives me an excuse to pig out on Seattle's best eats and not feel bad about it, because work!

Before we start, though, I want to make one thing perfectly clear, I am NOT a professional food nerd, nor do I want to be. I don't know the intricacies of French cooking. Heck, I don't even know how to spell "intricacies." It also means that if you ask me what the best burger is, I'll probably say Lil Woody's before I suggest any kind of "gourmet" burger, unless that gourmet burger has an egg on it. Then gourmet burger wins (any burger with an egg on it wins really.) Also, my idea of a fancy pizza is anything with more than two toppings. Basically what I'm getting at is consider these restaurant reviews for the common man/woman.

Got it? Good, let's roll!

RESTAURANT
Any major grocery chain

LOCATION
Cleaning supplies aisle. 

Years ago the United States declared war. An unjust war, built on what some would say were fraudulent charges. And it continues to this day with no end in sight.

I'm referring to the war on carbs. With it came endless diets like the Atkins and Paleo that promised the key to losing those pesky love handles was to rid your plates of bread and unnecessary sugars, you know, the stuff that makes your dinner taste good. People started doing horrible things to their food in the name of health, like making whole wheat pasta (gross) or using lettuce instead of buns to wrap their hamburgers with. The audacity!

Gone are the days of french fries cooked in beef fat and being able to eat an entire bucket of fried chicken guilt-free, as we are now in the era of clean eating. And in the name of clean eating comes the latest food fad sweeping the nation.

Eating dishwasher pods.

....yeah that's right. Eating dishwasher pods. I mean, it gets no cleaner than that right? IT'S LITERALLY SOAP! I decided, in the name of science, of course, to try one, partially out of curiosity because they do look pretty tasty, partially out of the reality that my diet is pretty terrible and my insides could probably use a good cleanse.  

Would my pod taste like lemon-lime? Would it cause me to go blind due to soap poisoning? Let's find out...

You have to admit, this little guy sure does look like it would taste like some sort of citrus-y gummy treat right? Turns out, that is false. The plastic wrap takes too long to simply dissolve in your mouth so you have to bite into it, and when you do, you are greeted with a whole lot of awful. Tart is too nice of a term for the sour, bitter taste that quickly overpowers your taste buds.  Lemon-lime it is not, friends. 

You try to spit it out, but its too late, the soap has begun reacting to your saliva, causing it to foam. Now you are leaning over your sink, foaming at the mouth and watering from the eyes, doing your best impression of "The Beast" from The Sandlot.  Everyone is having a good laugh about it, but not you. You are beginning to wonder if you will ever stop foaming and what the long-term effects of this science experiment gone wrong will be.

Eventually, the foam subsides and your mouth is rid of the poison...sort of.  You see, the taste, that bitter, face puckering, taste lingers. Oh, it lingers. You think about grabbing a drink to wash it out,,but then you worry about it restarting the foaming process, so you are left there to deal with it, languishing in silent agony, wondering if you will die from toxic poisoning, wondering if you are going to burp and fart soap bubbles all night, hating yourself for ever thinking that a detergent pod tasted good. You idiot. 

Go here if...you need a quick $3.50 and someone is offering that to you for eating one. It will scar you, but it won't kill you. 

Don't go here if...you have a lick of common sense, you dummy! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU???

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