The Singles Guide to Valentine's Day

February 10, 2016
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Chocolates, flowers, edible underpants! All things you won't be experiencing this Valentine's Day because you, like me, are single. Don't worry though, just because you won't be showered with gifts or reenacting any scenes from one of those corny romance movies, there are still plenty of ways to have fun on this rachet holiday. For example, you could....

COOK YOURSELF DINNER!
I know I'm always posting sweet instagram photos of all the restaurants I eat at, but I also really enjoy cooking.  So zen! This V-Day why don't you head down to the nearest farmer's market, grab some tasty ingredients and make yourself a meal (once you stop crying after being surrounded at the market by loving couples holding hands while buying honey together. Seriously, why is there so much honey at farmer's markets)? The cool thing about cooking for yourself is that you don't have to share. You get in there and crush that second plate of spaghetti, friend, and take all the meatballs you want! Whose meatballs are those? Those are your meatballs.  Take that, cholesterol! And then...

GO TO THE MOVIES!
To be honest, going to the movies solo is way better than with a stupid date. No having to see some dumb movie probably starring Channing Tatum and with a negative explosions to people crying ratio. No sharing your popcorn or candy. And best of all, no one around to talk to you through the previews, or worse, the actual film. And then...

GRAB A DRINK AT YOUR LOCAL DIVE!
The key to this is to make sure you pick the dankest bar in your hood, so as to avoid having to lean between two love birds on the rail as you try to snag a Vitamin R and a whiskey from the bartender (that would be a nightmare)!  If you do this correctly, you should find yourself in a half empty bar surrounded by other losers that you can silently judge for being more single, and way more likely to stay that way than you. And then...

GET YOURSELF AN ICE CREAM CONE!
So by this point in the evening, you've had fun but you are probably slightly buzzed and about to get hit right in the feels by the Valentine's Day blues.  That's why you should hit up your nearest ice cream spot (shout outs to Molly Moon's) and treat yo'self to a double scoop.  Know why this works? Because for one thing, EVERYONE loves ice cream, and also because its virtually impossible to cry and eat ice cream at the same time.  That's science, you guys, and its why parents always take their bratty kids to the ice cream parlor after giving them bad news. Shuts em right up. And then...

NETFLIX AND CHILL!
Dinner, movie, drinks, ice cream, what a night right? Only one thing left to do....head back to the crib for a nice Netflix and chill session.  And since you're still by yourself you can watch as many Voltron episodes as you want without your better half telling you that 3 straight hours of cartoons is probably too much for an adult.  It also means that you have a 100% chance of scoring during the "chill" portion...if you know what I mean....you know what I mean.