Manley's Pro Football Picks Week 1

September 9, 2015
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Fall is upon us once again, and lets be honest, its the worst!  Gray, rainy days. The sun setting earlier and earlier.  If you are a kid, you have to go back to school.  Gross.  Of course there is one thing that makes it all better, NFL FOOTBALL!!!!  Hours upon hours of drinking bloody marys and beers while you scarf down your gameday food of choice (more on this later), yelling at your TV because some team ran a fullback draw at the goal line instead of giving it to their running back who just so happens to be on your fantasy football team.  Good times, you guys!  This season, I thought I'd drop some football knowledge on you and help you navigate each week's schedule so that you can win money playing Pigskin Payday. Its free, join now (shameless self promotion)!!

http://kndd.profootball.upickem.net/profootball/registration/login.asp

 
Ok, without further ado, lets run down this week's games!  I won't be doing Thursday games because lazy, and for the sake of record keeping, I will always give myself the win on that one.  Hey its my blog I can do whatever I want. 


PACKERS VS BEARS- 
The NFL's oldest and probably best rivalry. Clay Matthews (his mamma call him Clay, Ima call him Clay) vs Smokin' Jay Cutler.  This would be a super close game, if this were a contest to see which team's fans had higher cholesterol or body fat percentage. But its not, its a football game. 
Pick- PACKERS

CHIEFS VS TEXANS- 
One of my old radio colleagues just moved from Las Vegas to Houston and immediately became a huge Texans fan.  I hate this, especially because said person was one of the biggest Saints fans I've ever known.  And I've known quite a few, which is weird considering the closest I've ever been to New Orleans is watching Treme on HBO.  Anyway, people that do this are the worst.  YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 5 MINUTES YOU DON'T GET TO START TALKING SH*T ABOUT HOW GOOD JJ WATT IS!  
Pick- CHIEFS

BROWNS VS JETS-
I have a friend who is a big Browns fan, which sucks because I really enjoy making fun of Cleveland.  That city sucks. How bad does it suck, Manley? Glad you asked, it sucks so much that the movie Major Leage, which is about the CLEVELAND Indians, was filmed in MILWAUKEE WI.  If Milwaukee is an upgrade from your city, your city sucks. So does Johnny Manziel. 
Pick- JETS

COLTS VS BILLS-
In 3 years Andrew Luck will probably be the best quarterback in the NFL. Despite this, he will not be the most popular. Why, you ask? Because homeboy is ugly.  I actually think that's part of what makes him so good, safeties won't look into his eyes to read where he plans on throwing the ball out of fear of being turned to stone, or losing their lunch.  
Pick- COLTS

DOLPHINS VS REDSKINS-
Did you watch "Ballers" on HBO? It was like "Entourage" but with The Rock and set inside the wild and crazy world of pro sports. it wnet something like this- The Rock used to play for the Dolphins, he got lots of concussions so naturally after his career ended he became a sports agent.  Despite the fact that he had nightmares and ate painkillers like candy, people loved him and players trusted him with their careers because he always had nice suits. It was terrible. You know what else is terrible? The Redskins. From the owner to the nickname to the mess they have at QB, they are terrible!  I'm sitll convinced that their front office is so inept that they didn't realize they hired the other Gruden until he showed up at training camp.  
Pick- DOLPHINS

PANTHERS VS JAGUARS-
Remember when the Jags and Panthers both made it to the conference championship games and fans of teams like the Browns and Rams were butthurt because they've been around forever and never made it that far? Welp, now all those teams are mediocre at best. Congratulations. 
Pick- PANTHERS

SEAHAWKS VS RAMS-
That Rolling Stone article about Russell Wilson, pretty oof, amirite? its almost like he's TOO put together and polished. No one likes a goody goody, which is kind of messed up when you think about it because shouldn't we all like a guy as wholesome as Russ?  We live in strange times, friendos.  That's why my dream for this season is for Seattle to start off poorly, setting up a major Russell Wilson heel turn!  Like when Hulk Hogan went from the red and yellow to the NWA (NOT when HH went from rasslin legend to total racist. thats too far!)  Imagine it, Russell gets in a fight with Bobby Wagner after another disappointing loss, but instead of dividing the locker room, it unites them!  "Hey, this dude is legit! And now that he wears black all the time I somehow like him even more. I'm sorry about that tweet, you are worth every penny, now lets go win a Super Bowl!"  Boom. 
Pick- RAMS

SAINTS VS CARDINALS-
The Saints shouldn't be very good this year, but never underestimate the power of the universe and the fact that there is definite 10 Year Anniversary of Hurricane Katrina mojo in play here. I can almost hear Drew Brees on the podium now talking about how this win isn't about the team, its about New Orleans.  Of course at this point my turncoat Texans fan will say she loved the Saints from day one and I will murder her out of principle. 
Pick- CARDINALS

LIONS VS CHARGERS-
Chargers fans get real upset when you make fun of them for not being able to sell out their home games, but lets be honest. If we could sit out at the beach and go surfing in November, we wouldn't be sitting inside a stadium drinking overpriced beer and watching football either. In fact, they SHOULD move the Chargers to LA, as part of the Play 60 initiative.  "Hey kids!  I'm Roger Goddell and instead of watching football you should be playing it, that's why the NFL has decided to relocate your SD Chargers!" Honestly, Rog would probably think this is a good idea. 
Pick- CHARGERS

TITANS VS BUCS-
So conflicted here. Tampa has the ugliest uniforms in football, but that pirate ship in their stadium is totally badass. 
Pick- BUCS

BENGALS VS RAIDERS-
Pick- BENGALS

RAVENS VS BRONCOS- 
Do you realize that there is a group of people right now saying that Payton Manning is washed up and the Broncos never should've got rid of Tim Tebow. Do you realize that this group of people consider themselves Broncos fans?
Pick- BRONCOS

GIANTS VS COWBOYS-
There's nothing worse than having a player your cheer for end up on a team you can't stand.  Tony Romo grew up down the road from me and it was a HUGE deal. A real Cinderella story!  It will be a movie some day.  The only problem is, our local guy done good ended up on the goddam Cowboys. I've hated the Cowboys my entire life, and for the last decade or so I've had this weird kind of hope they do good but kind of hope they stink thing, all thanks to stupid Tony Romo. So conflicted.
Pick- GIANTS

EAGLES VS FALCONS-
I think the Falcons are going to be my sleeper team this year, which means I will pick them all the time and hate myself every Tuesdsay after they lose. Isn't football the best?
Pick- FALCONS

VIKINGS VS NINERS-
Shout outs to the NFL schedule makers for kicking off another Monday Night Football season with 4 teams that didn't make the playoffs last year. 
Pick- VIKINGS

 

GAMEDAY FOOD CHOICE-
The only thing more important than whether or not your fantasy football team wins is what you plan on eating during the games.  By all means, tweet at me @manchild1077 with your gameday food/drink of choice and use #sEATtle. My choice for week 1- Buffalo wings.  I have a theory about wings, and its that they somehow taste better during football season.  Seriously, eat some tonight and then eat some more on Sunday.  You will totally taste a difference!  Suggested wing place- Buffalo Wild Wings. I know I know "Manley, you should support locally owned businesses bla bla bla bla" shut up. BWW has cheese curds!  Garlic parmesean wings and some delicious cheese curds for the win!  

YOU'RE THE REAL MVP-

The real MVP is Drew Magary, a writer from Deadspin who I read religiously and have totally stolen this entire blog concept from.  His Thursday Jamboroo is WAY better than mine, but I have better hair, so that makes us even in my book. 

Good luck everyone!