Manley's Pro Football Picks Week 5

October 8, 2015
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What a time to be alive, you guys!  Not only have scientists discovered traces of water on Mars, but McDonald's is FINALLY serving breakfast all day!  Our long national nightmare of having to drag our super hungover asses out of bed and to McDonald's before 10:30 so we could get a piece of that sweet sweet McMuffin is finally over!  Kind of crazy to think that we were able to legally marry someone of the same sex before we were allowed to have a 3pm mcgriddle. Am I excited? You bet. Did I go get breakfast lunch the very first day it was available? OF COURSE I DID!  In fact, the craziest thing happened to me on my way to the nearest Golden Arches. On my way to get breakfast lunch (my new favorite kind of lunch), a crazy lady in a wheelchair rolled past me, screaming at the poor guy pushing her. Anyway, right when the got to me, she yelled "get out of the way!!" and almost hit me right in the junk! it was quite the spectacle and I was so embarrassed. the poor lady cleary needed help mentally, but really that's no excuse to be rolling around town smashing dudes in the daddy button. Fortunately she missed, and your hero made enjoyed 2 sausage mcmuffins without egg and a medium fry. It was delicious. On to the picks...

 

COLTS VS TEXANS- For the second straight week it looks like Andrew Luck won't play because of a slightly separated shoulder.  I sleep weird so sometimes I wake up and my shoulder is out of joint and I have to kind of pop it back in, which results in me screaming bloody murder for a few minutes. Its almost as annoying to wake up to as my stupid alarm clock.  Since Luck is out, Matt Hasselback will be starting again.  Yup, THAT Matt Hasselback.  I bet he is secretly pissed that he has to actually play since instead of spending a few months getting paid to sit on a bench he now has to dodge 300 lb monsters trying to rip his head off.  Backup QB is probably the best job in the world, until it ends. Pick- Texans.

BEARS VS CHIEFS-  I always enjoy when coaches or players of football teams do poorly produced/executed television shows to get fans excited for Sunday's big games.  I bet Andy Reid's show in KC is done in his backyard while he grills any slab of meat he can get his hands on.  That show would be delicious, if not informative. Pick- CHIEFS

SEAHAWKS VS BENGALS- I feel bad for Gerald Austin, the former NFL ref that had to break the news to everyone on ESPN that the officials made an incorrect call on the Calvin Johnson fumble.  Even though he had nothing to do with the call, nor is he even a ref in any way shape or form, he was lit up by EVERYONE during the post game as if he was the one who made the call on the field!  It was so aggressive. "How could this happen Gerald?" "Don't these refs know the rules Gerald?" "WHERE'S THE ACCOUNTABILITY, GERRY???" Sheesh, leave the old man alone.  He's just here to collect a paycheck and chime in once a game to remind everyone that a player must have control all the way to the ground for a pass to be complete, so back off.  Also, regarding this play- Seattle should have lost...but they didn't...seems like one of those weird karma changing moments in a season.  I wouldn't be surprised to see them rip off 4-5 wins in a row.  Of course, I'm still rooting for the Russell Wilson heel turn (referenced here, and here) so....Pick- Bengals.

REDSKINS VS FALCONS- I was at Redwood over the weekend with my brother and noticed they sold Hamm's beer in the can.  I remember seeing Hamm's commercials when I was a kid and thinking to myself, man, I NEED to start drinking beer immediately.   Let me give you a bit of advice right now- Hamm's (the beer refreshing!) should ONLY be consumed for ironic purposes only, and even then you probably shouldn't actually swallow it. Just take the picture and order something else, like a Manny's 

JAGUARS VS BUCCANEERS- Ever run into someone in real life that you randomly follow on social media?  I have, and boy is it awkward. What is the proper course of action when this happens?  Saying "hey, I'm pretty sure I randomly follow you on twitter" just seems pretty creepy to me.  Then again, if two people interact via social media, why shouldn't they interact in real life?  I wasn't sure what to do, so I chickened out on initiating a conversation, which I'm still kind of kicking myself over, because this person was totally cute. Total missed Netflix and chill opportunity. Pick- Jaguars

SAINTS VS EAGLES- Is there anything better than having to go with a bench fantasy football player because your starter is on bye, and then that bench player goes off and scores a ton of points?  SO SATISFYING! I had to play Sam Bradford last week and he scored me 30 pts to lead my squad to victory.  Of course, I acted like this was some brilliant act of managing and ran around the house yelling "I AM THE BILL BELICHICK OF FANTASY FOOTBALL" to the horror of my dog, and probably my next door neighbor.  Fantasy football does things to a man.  Pick- Eagles

BROWNS VS RAVENS- Before Ravens were the Ravens, they were the Browns.  When they were the Browns, they stunk. Can you imagine how awful it must be to lose your home team, then have them become really good as soon as they leave?  Wait....don't answer that.....sorry for bringing this up. #Sonics Pick- RAVENS

RAMS VS PACKERS- I probably spend too much time thinking about Star Wars.  That said, I bet there was a lot of weird sex stuff going on in Cloud City.  Afterall, any city overseen by Billy Dee Williams would be for lovers, no doubt. Pick- PACKERS

BILLS VS TITANS- It has to be super hard to be a quarterback when both teams have white helmets, considering you only have 3 seconds to throw, and every person on the field is running full speed. I would throw 18 interceptions at least, then demand to be traded to Dallas, which would come back to haunt me when we played the Lions.  Career stat line- 2 games, 9-53 for 118yds 1 TD (luck) 41 int. Still better than Ryan Leaf!  Pick- Bills

CARDINALS VS LIONS- Seahawks fans can happily shrug their shoulders and say "welp, whatever. I guess we got lucky" when it comes to the Fail Fumble (trademarked!) but imagine how brutal that was for Lions fans?  You get SO close to scoring, only to fumble.  You shout 18 swear words and slam your beer (hopefully not a Hamm's).  THEN you find out 2 minutes after the game is over that the refs screwed up and your team shouldve had the ball on the inch line.  You should 74 more swear words and slam some liquor. THEN you realize that your team is 0-4 and has to play another REALLY good team next week and will probably be 0-5.  If I lived in Detroit, I would not watch football. Pick- Cardinals

PATRIOTS VS COWBOYS-  That awkward moment when you walk into a Crate and Barrel, expecting it to be a Cracker Barrel . I bet thats what its like to be a Cowboys fan this year.  You started the season with a damn good offense, and by week 3 you have the worst rated active QB in the NFL and a 50 yr old TE as your most dangerous reciever.  Where are my biscuits and sausage gravy dammit!!!!  Pick- Patriots

BRONCOS VS RAIDERS- I've said this before, I am basic af when fall rolls around.  If it has pumpkin in it, I am eating/drinking it with reckless abandon. Like JJ Watt going after the QB.  That said, I emplore you to be careful when drinking pumpkin beer.  Delicious on its own, but things get weird when you try to eat food.  Pumpkin beer needs to be enjoyed solo. Trust me. Pick- Broncos

49ERS VS GIANTS- Everytime Chris Berman says "The New York Football Giants" I am overcome with rage and usually end up throwing something at my TV.  THERE ARE NO OTHER GIANTS IN NEW YORK YOU BROADCASTING DINOSAUR!!!!! STOP MAKING THAT REFERENCE!!!!!  Also, what's with his haircut?  Someone should tell him that the Ben Franklin 'do went out of style around 1850. I have a real problem with Boomer, apparently.  I also have a real problem with the 49ers offense, because they are REALLY bad. Just ask Clay Matthews. Pick- Giants

STEELERS VS CHARGERS- I have a wedding to go to in a few weeks and I'm having a real crisis over what to wear. At first I wanted to wear a suit, because fancy, but then I started thinking slacks and a vest, or maybe go casual and wear good jeans and a vest, but then I could also.....SCREW THIS IM WEARING A GODDAM TSHIRT!!!!  Pick- Chargers

GAMEDAY FOOD CHOICE- cheese curds, you guys!  I grew up in Wisconsin, so I'm a cheese expert by default, and let me tell you right now, all those fancy cheeses be damned, cheese curds are THE BEST!!!!  I also discovered that if you put honey on them, they become even better.  Its like turning an amp up to 11.  SO GOOD. 

YOU'RE THE REAL MVP- Do you realize that the Fail Mary AND the Fail Fumble (trademarked!) both happened in the same endzone?  That's right, weird stuff happens in that endzone and it needs to be commended.  In fact, since Seattle already has the 12th man, I think the endzone should be considered the 13th man.  Having a big black 13 painted in that endzone would totally weird opponents out. WE MUST DO IT! Hey Century Link Endzone, you're the real MVP!

Last Week's Picks: 9-6

Overall Record: 38-25

Hey! Don't forget to play Pigskin Payday and win money just for watching football!  Good luck everyone!