Manley's Pro Football Picks Week 6

October 15, 2015

Earlier this week, Playboy announced that they would no longer be publishing nude photos of women in their magazines.  Guess they finally decided to call our bluff on that whole "I just get it for the articles" excuse.  This bums me out, but not because I'm pervy and like to look at naked women (although to be clear, I TOTALLY like to look at naked women).  It bums me out because a boy getting his first Playboy is a total right of passage, a piece of Americana if you will.  Like my first chest hair, or the day my voice went from soprano to baritone, seeing my first nudie magazine is a moment in life that will always be a point of reference for when I went from boy to man. It stinks that the thrill of finding your dad's stash of Playboys, and the elaborate hiding places you'd find for your own is all but gone, replaced with a simple "clear browser history" prompt.  Damn you internet. damn you. On to the picks...


FALCONS VS SAINTS- You guys!  I said back in week 1 that the Falcons were going to be my sleeper team of the year, and guess what? I WAS RIGHT!  If they go 16-0 I'm getting a throwback Deion Sanders jersey and high stepping across the stage at Deck The Hall Ball. Pick- Falcons

REDSKINS VS JETS- I bought a suit over the weekend.  What a process!  I can class it up when I want to, but I'm much more of a western and jeans guy than a tie and slacks guy.  Anyway, I'm a (most of the time) happy bachelor, but boy did I wish I had a girlfriend to shop with.  First store I went to had terrible customer service. Second store was super expensive. Third store was just right, but by the time I got there, I had already enlisted the help of every pretty girl I knew (3!) for advice on what suit to get. Of course, they all chose the expensive one. So now I own an expensive suit.  Attention friends- either get busy marrying, or get busy dying, I need to get as much use out of this damn suit as possible.  Pick- Jets

CARDINALS VS STEELERS- There's an argument to be made that so far this season the Cardinals are the NFL's best team.  Of course Cardinals fans can't get too excited because they know its only a matter of time before Carson Palmer goes down with an injury.  You can set your watch to it. Pick- Cardinals

CHIEFS VS VIKINGS- I'm a little nervous about what happens after beards lose their popularity.  Will the trend go from full beard to completely clean cut? Or will it be a gradual recession of facial hair, from beard to chops to sideburns to smooth as a baby's butt? Pick- Vikings

BENGALS VS BILLS- The Bengals can't really go to 6-0 can they?  As long as the Red Rifle is throwing darts they can.  What a time to be alive. Pick- Bengals

BEARS VS LIONS- I ate a pickled egg yesterday.  It was strange.  Tasted like vinegar and nothing else. Ever wonder how some food came to be?  Like, at some point in history Jedediah Whatshisface was sitting in his kitchen and thought to himself "You know, everything else I pickle turns out ok, I bet an egg would work too!" AND NO ONE STOPPED HIM.  That's really our fault as a society. Food messes me up sometimes. Pick- Lions

BRONCOS VS BROWNS- I don't think we appreciate what Payton Manning has done over the last few years.  The man is playing football at the highest level WITH NO FEELING IN HIS ARM!!!! I suffered nerve damage in my back a few years ago which resulted in me losing feeling in my left leg below the knee, so believe me, doing anything physical without having sensation in a limb is hard.  I feel accomplished when I make it to work without tripping over something because my dumb leg is dragging.  Payton Manning plays in the NFL.  He is a miracle. Pick- Broncos


DOLPHINS VS TITANS- Another white helmet vs white helmet matchup. Someone is throwing 5 ints this game.  The Dolphins recently fired their head coach after losing to the Jets in London.  I bet that was bittersweet for Philbin.  Sure, he's out of a job, but at least he has extra time to enjoy London (one of my favorite cities in the world).  That would be so foul if the Dolphins waited until he was back in the States before firing him.  Pick- Titans

PANTHERS VS SEAHAWKS- Halloween is once again upon us, which means candy!  I was thinking about the evolution of candy bars today.  back in the old days, there were 3 Musketeers and people were cool with it.  Then one day, some scientist/wizard showed up and was all "people of Earth, behold this 3 Musketeers bar. Its good right? F*&^ that! I've made it better......with caramel!"  The people rejoiced and Milky Ways were born.  Then probably a hundred years later, someone else decided to improve upon a Milky Way with PEANUTS!  Throw that person a parade, for they have invented Snickers!  Fast forward to today.....and we are still pretty much stuck with Snickers.  This bothers me.  Is the Snickers bar the pinnacle of candy bar innovation?  Shouldn't we put some peanut butter in there or something? Why have you abandoned us, science? WHYYYYYYY????  Pick- Seahawks. 

CHARGERS VS PACKERS- The Packers are on an impressive 12 game home winning streak.  My guess is because teams get so damn bored hanging out in Green Bay (They actually stay in Appleton, WI) that it throws them all off their game.  A professional athlete is a creature of habit, and I bet the lack of night life and groupies takes visiting teams right out of their game.  The Chargers don't stand a chance!  One minute you are eating fish tacos with beautiful CA women....the next you are crushing fish n chips at an Appleby's while some broad named Ruth wants to talk football instead of getting your hotel key. Remember this the next time they show some 250 lb shirtless man wearing cheese on his head during the game.  He deserves none of the credit for making Green Bay such a hostile environment. Pick- Packers

RAVENS VS 49ERS- I'm really enjoying the 49ers' fall from grace, but I feel bad for their head coach, Jim Tomsula.  Think about how much it must suck to achieve your dream, only to arrive on the first day of practice to the news that 4 of your players retired in the offseason, and about 25 others were arrested. Its kind of like taking a trip to Un Bien and finding out that they are out of pork. Disaster. Pick- Ravens


GIANTS VS EAGLES- Chip Kelly would be a fool to stay in Philadelphia instead of going back to college to coach USC. He could spend the next 10 years in Hollywood building a dynasty with his crazy weird (not NFL) offense and retire a legend....or he could live in Philly for the next few years or however long it takes Eagles fans to revolt and burn his house down.  I like cheese steaks as much (WAY more) as the next guy, but 80 and sunny > wit whiz any day.  By the way, if you think you have the chops to become a college football coach, there's an app for that. Pick- Giants

GAMEDAY FOOD CHOICE- Chili Cheese Fritos! Ever notice how Fritos smell like feet? What going on with that?  Anyway, this Sunday I suggest crushing a bag of chili cheese Fritos.  If this isn't fancy enough for you, check your privilege and pick up some hummus to dip them in.  Total game changer. Trust me. 

YOU'RE THE REAL MVP- There is a restaurant in Austraila called Chicken Treat that has a real live chicken handling its twitter account!  This is not a drill, A REAL LIFE CHICKEN IS ON TWITTER!  Her name is Betty, and she is the real MVP.

Last Week's Picks: 9-5

Overall Record: 47-31

Hey! Don't forget to play Pigskin Payday and win money just for watching football!  Good luck everyone!